Mark Your Calendar! It's Time for a Touch Date
One of the most common reasons couples seek out relationship and sex therapy is to better understand their sexual relationship and why it has changed over time. It is very common (and totally normal) for desire and libido to change in your long-term relationship. The “honeymoon phase” or the “infatuation phase” of a relationship can last anywhere between 6 months and 2 years, and during this time, sex, desire, and arousal can feel like a no-brainer and something that “just happens naturally”. Over time, we develop more of a tolerance to our partner, and we enter a different phase of the relationship, which we call the “attachment phase”, where you feel loved, trusted, and understood by your partner, but you may not feel as erotically charged.
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Many couples enter therapy without the language to identify pleasurable versus non-pleasurable touch. One of the first things I talk to couples about is touch and what kind of touch is currently taking place in the relationship. What I often hear is that there is a giant gap between sensual touch (hugging, holding, cuddling, spooning, etc.) and sexual touch (which most hetero couples see as vaginal intercourse). This is why I encourage couples to think outside the box a bit when it comes to different types of touch, and to reflect on what may be on their “sexual menu”.
Once we have a sense of what’s on someone’s sexual menu, I encourage couples to have what I call a “touch date” or an “erotic date” at home that’s scheduled in advance. (I know, I know, lots of people have opinions about scheduling a time for sexual activity, but we have to start somewhere, right?) When discussing touch dates with clients, we explore what kind of touch is on the table and how to mix-up touch dates to make them interesting and unique to avoid falling into a routine.
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Whether you’re starting these dates for the first time or you want to spice up your regular sexual encounters, I recommend doing the following:
You and your partner sit down together (or separately) and each write on a small piece of paper different items on your sexual menu, or something you’d be interested in doing sexually with your partner (whether it’s physical, visual, auditory, etc.)
Consider including: showering/ bathing together, giving/ receiving massages, playing with each other’s hair, watching porn or your favorite sex scene from a show (helllo Outlander, anyone else?), listening to an erotic story on an app such as Dipsea, sharing a fantasy, and so forth. (Each item should be on its own small piece of paper.)
Schedule a time for you and your partner to review each other’s lists.
When going through each of the lists, think of each item as either a “green”, “yellow”, or “red” for categories.
Green means: Totally down for this!
Yellow means: Maybe, or context dependent
Red means: No thanks! (you always have veto power)
If your partner has a red on your list, you two can have a discussion for why it’s red for you, but also respect each other’s boundaries sexually. You can either throw the red ones away, or keep them for a “let’s discuss” pile.
Take all the green and yellow ones, and mix them up in a jar or a box (we all have empty shoe boxes sitting around in our closets, amiright?)
During your next “touch date” or “erotic date” take turns picking an item out of the jar or box.
If it’s a green, go for it!
If it’s a yellow for you, advocate for yourself with what you may need to help you get into a sexual/ erotic context. (Remember, you can always pick another item if you’re not into it at that moment.)
Keep in mind, if you’re trying something new, it could be helpful to discuss it later and ask each other what you liked or didn’t like about the new experience. You may not love everything you try, but it’s important to get comfortable having more of a dialogue about why something was exciting, pleasurable, or not so much for you. Feel free to alter this date with your own ideas, such as separating the Green and Yellow ideas or only using the Greens if you’re just starting out. The goals are to change-up your regular routine for sexual encounters, get more comfortable discussing your sexual interests, and to find new ways to connect with a partner.