Ditch Toxic Dating Culture
Does it feel like dating has become a constant cycle of excitement that inevitably ends in serious disappointment? You’re not alone. Thanks to something I like to call Toxic Dating Culture (TDC), singles across the country are feeling the not so great vibes coming out of digital dating. And they are sick of it.
If you find yourself saying things like:
Where is my person?!
Why is this shit so hard?
Did I really just get ghosted on again?!
I give up.
I hate that online dating is my only option.
Why are there so many dating rules?
Then you, my friend, are stuck in Toxic Dating Culture. So, what is TDC and how the hell do you get yourself out of it? It starts with understanding how you may be contributing to TDC so you can commit to meaningful change. And meaningful change can come from your personal ethics and values.
1. Dating by “the rules”
Living by a set of dating rules that TDC supports is a recipe for letdown. And confusion. And frustration. These rules were created to play on people’s attachment traumas, which is not helpful for someone who is trying to cultivate meaningful connection. If you find yourself counting the hours between responding to a text, or tallying the number of dates you’ve been on with someone before having sex with them, I invite you to move in a different direction. If you ditch these rules (and so many others) you are actually giving yourself a chance to create authentic and engaged dating experiences on your terms. And you deserve to have a dating life that you’re excited about.
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2. Losing personal accountability
Modern dating technology has made it really easy to abandon our values. If you’re reading this, you’ve most likely been on the receiving end of having a lively conversation with someone in an app that abruptly stops, never to be heard from again. Or, you’ve been ghosted by someone you’ve been seeing for a couple of months. Or, you send message after message hoping for a response but instead, you get crickets.
Digital dating has created a culture in which we are not being accountable to ourselves or to the people we come in contact with. The lack of personal accountability in modern dating is straight up harmful. Like really harmful. If you are going to be an ethical dater, then you need to take it upon yourself to develop accountability around how you treat other people. It has to start with you. Take a moment to write down the ways you are going to show personal accountability in your dating life, and start to implement those actions ASAP.
3. Assigning trendy names to shitty behavior
Ghosting. Breadcrumbing. Orbiting. Fleabagging. Zombie-ing. Catfishing.
Should I keep going?
Benching. Love bombing. Cookie-jarring. Outsourcing.
People are clever. But what would happen if you stopped wasting your time naming these bad behaviors and spent more time being an ethical dater? I have a feeling your experience would be more positive. Would it surprise you to learn that people have been behaving this way in dating scenarios well before the convenience of digital dating? The only difference is that our access has increased, providing more opportunities to come up against these kinds of dating “trends.” The invention of the meme hasn’t helped, either. This is your opportunity to identify the dating trends that you are contributing to TDC and to replace them with ethical actions based on the positive dating experience you want for yourself. You can do this!
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4. Using dating apps to meet your sexual needs while not being upfront about it
I am the last person to shame you for having casual sex. Please, get your sexual needs met! But do be upfront about it. In order to ditch TDC, you must take responsibility for your actions, including your intentions around sex. When you use a dating app to meet your sexual needs and do not outwardly express your intention, you are setting another person up for a whole lot of emotional distress. Plus, you aren’t giving that person the opportunity to make a healthy decision for themselves! Your actions have impact. It’s sexy to be upfront about what you are looking for out of dating apps. If you own your sexual needs and can express them appropriately, you will find yourself in the sheets with people who are also craving casual connections. But if you are lying to get what you want, then you my friend, are playing right into TDC. I encourage you to think deeply about your ethical dating practices and how you can effectively communicate your intentions.
5. There will always be someone better mindset
It’s time to take a good look at the potential partners that are actually in front of you and stop telling yourself that there could be someone better out there.
TDC has created the idea that you have endless options. You don’t.
TDC has made us feel like we deserve to have our list of 134 qualities in a partner checked before we commit. Your list is way too long.
TDC is literally driving people to believe that the absolute perfect person is out there. Spoiler alert: perfect people do not exist.
This mindset is hurting your dating life. And it’s setting you up for constant disappointment. Take the opportunity to check your expectations so you can really give potential partners the time is actually takes to see if chemistry is there. If you put in the time and effort, and you feel like it’s best to move on to other options, that’s great! You’ve made a positive change.
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We’ve all contributed to TDC is some way. But I am confident that you have the power to change Toxic Dating Culture. This is your opportunity to craft the dating experience you have been yearning for. If you want a different experience, you must own the actions you have taken so far and do a serious inventory on how to make ethical changes in your dating life. And remember, you can’t control other people. So even when you show up with the energy to kick TDC to the curb, you may come across daters who are not practicing the same values you are. Those people are not for you and that’s ok.
Are you ready to take back control of your dating life?
~ Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST