Context: What Is It + Why Is It Important To Your Sex Life- Part I

Sex. It’s an act that people have engaged in throughout the history of time. Arousal happens in the oldest part of your brain, along with eating, sleeping, and breathing. Your body knows how to become aroused innately… but that’s about all that is innate about sex. The rest of it – how to engage in sex, what turns you on, and your feelings about it – is learned. You may have learned about sex from your caretaker when you were five, who told you, “Don’t touch your privates! You’ll go to hell if you do that again!” Or perhaps you grew up in a culture where you learned that sex without clothes on is inappropriate and immoral. Maybe you learned healthy, wonderful things about sex and pleasure but after having a baby, the last thing you want is to be touched after having a child hang off you all day. While sexuality is universal, the expression and experience of it look very different for everyone. Why is this? Long story short: it’s because of context.

c/o giphy

Context is responsible for how you’re experiencing sex at any given moment. Both your internal and external experiences, as well as what your brain learned about what constitutes sexual responsiveness (arousal, desire) in the first place, are considered. In her mind-altering (it will literally change how you think about sex!) book Come As You Are, sex researcher and educator Emily Nagoski writes,

"Context is made of two things: the circumstances of the present moment—whom you're with, where you are, whether the situation is novel or familiar, risky or safe, etc.—and your brain state in the present moment—whether you're relaxed or stressed, trusting or not, loving or not, right now, in the moment." (p. 75)

In other words, where you are in the moment and how you feel about it, your values and beliefs, and your feelings about yourself and your partner affect your perception of sexual cues, your arousability, your experience of sex, and your desire to engage in it in the first place.

“Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski

Why is context so essential to explore and discuss?

Take our first example, who learned that touching “privates” means they’re doing something morally wrong. Because of that learned script, they may have never even seen their genitals, let alone touched them. In sexual contexts as a consenting adult, they may experience immediate shame and guilt regarding their genitals, excruciating pain upon penetration, panic attacks during sex, and/or relationships that have ended because their partner didn’t want to be in a “forever-sexless” relationship. This person learned that sexual context = shame, pain, emotional distress, and a physiological stress response.

What about the person who learned that sex when you’re naked is inappropriate? They moved to America, where nude sex is our standard for “normal,” and met the best sexual partner they’ve ever had due to the partner’s penchant for CFNM (clothed female, naked male) experiences! Clothes-on was the exact right context for them!

And the mother who found much pleasure in sex and now refuses to engage in it after the birth of her 2-year-old? She is stressed out, tired, touched head to toe by a kid all day long, and the last thing she wants to do is give sex to her partner – “give” because she sure doesn’t want it.

Context – both the circumstances and your brain state at the present moment – informs your entire experience of sex. If you have negative experience after negative experience, they can compound and leave you with low-to-no desire for it and a slim chance of increasing it without exploring context, learning solid coping skills, and most importantly, learning how to create context that feels good. Sexual beliefs, past and present experiences, interactions with sexual partners, your stress level, your life stage, and your self-esteem are all essential to good sex.

So, are you ready to learn how do create positive, pleasure-centered context? Stay tuned for Context, Part 2: Good Sex Starts with “E,” where I’ll dig into your “emotional” brain and give you an exercise to help you explore your ideal sexual context.