Five Dating + Relationship Green Flags
With cuffing season right around the corner, we’re all looking to get BOO’d up for those frigid winter nights. Sometimes our eagerness supersedes our standards, so this post is all about the dating and relationship green flags to look for during this time of transition. You may be wondering, “what are green flags?” and that’s a great question! We often hear and speak about ‘red flags’ i.e., all the signs we should be running in the opposite direction from, but we don’t really discuss and identify the ‘green flags’ i.e., all the signs this person or situation is worth continuing to invest in and explore! By identifying green flags to pay attention to, you increase the chances of finding a BOO-thing that will add more than just a warm body to your life!
c/o giphy: Image description for a partnered couple happily dancing together
1. They are transparent and communicative
Are they up front about what they’re looking for? Do they let you know well in advance if they have to cancel or change plans? Is their body language open and relaxed when they share details about their life, friends, job, etc.? Do they seem receptive to your feedback and are they able to give you feedback? These are just some signs that a person is genuinely attempting to be transparent and communicative. Of course, that doesn’t mean they owe you their life story on the first or even second date, trust still has to be earned.
2. They take initiative to spend time with you
Despite the gains our society and culture have made in challenging gender roles and stereotypes, they’re still deeply embedded in our scripts around dating. In heterosexual dating, there’s an expectation of *who* is supposed to plan (and pay) for the first date, *who* is supposed to call first, etc. etc. etc. And when things don’t go that way, it often triggers anxiety in both parties. This script also leaves queer couples with no useful script to follow. Therefore, when we talk about taking initiative, let’s paint broad strokes. Do they ask about your availability and share theirs? Are they open to trying ideas you suggest even if it’s new to them? Are they coming up with ideas for activities together and putting it on their calendar? Do you feel prioritized even if they have a lot going on? Do they respond positively when you invite them into a plan you’ve made for the two of you? Remember, relationships are reciprocal experiences and you can make up the rules for spending time together that work for you, regardless of gender scripts!
3. They’ve intentionally cultivated their values and priorities
My values are important to me, and what I prioritize. For example, I can value collaboration, novelty, and justice, to name a few. Ideally, our values guide behavior and help choose actions that align with what a fulfilling life means for us. Can they identify who and what matters to them? Do the people they spend time with encourage who they say they want to be? Can they offer a values-based rationale for the choices they’re making? Another important question that goes hand-in-hand with this green flag: are your values complementary or juxtaposed? If the latter, are you both open to negotiating and navigating how to meet in the middle?
4. They have clarity about their goals in life, or are open about still being unsure
Similar to our values are our goals in life. Values are how we move through our life; goals are what we hope to accomplish in our life. Do they know if they want to settle down in one place, or be more nomadic? Are they certain they do or don’t want to become a parent? What are their expectations for the future? If these are questions they haven’t asked themselves yet, or don’t yet know the answer to, can they share that with you (vs. being vague, agreeing with whatever you said, etc.)?
5. Spending time with them makes you feel seen, secure, and connected
Perhaps the most important but elusive green flag: being with them makes you feel good and by good I mean present, delighted in, witnessed, and energized. Are you comfortable showing up fully as yourself? Do they express interest in your inner world, friends, hobbies, etc.? Is there a sense of ease in your body during and after you spend time with them? When you think about spending time with them, do you smile? Has being with them helped you decrease any fears you may have around connection + taking emotional risks?
c/o giphy: Image description for dog and cat cuddling
This is an elusive green flag because they could demonstrate the four green flags above and you could still struggle to feel seen, secure, and connected. This may be a sign of dating and relationship anxiety showing up.
Dating and relationship anxiety is a common experience. Dating and relationship anxiety can look like: not believing their answers to your questions about them or their interest in you, worrying about how they’re perceiving you, immediately jumping to negative conclusions, trying to find red flags as an excuse to end things, fearing being yourself at the outset, and much more. Therapy is a great place to get curious about your anxiety if you have blocks to noticing the green flags listed above, or struggle to put yourself out there. Together, you and your therapist can move you into a place of openness to vulnerability and connection.