What To Do When You’re A Chronic Apologizer
Do you find yourself constantly apologizing to others, even if whatever happened was objectively “no big deal”? Do the “sorrys” seem to slip out of your lips automatically, to the point where you don’t even realize you said it until someone responds with something like “stop apologizing for everything”, or “you don’t have anything to apologize for”? If this resonates with you, you are DEFINITELY not the only one with this seemingly healthy habit.
c/o giphy sorry
What does it mean when you’re a chronic apologizer?
Overapologizing may signal you’re often in a fawn state, another trauma response or survival mechanism like fight or flight, which usually manifests as behaviors associated with people pleasing. Functioning from the fawn state may perpetuate emotional and physical feelings of insecurity or anxiety in relationships that may otherwise be secure and safe. So, although fawning serves to protect yourself and your body in dangerous situations, it can be disadvantageous in healthy relationships in that it can confuse yourself and your partner, prevent you from using your voice to speak your truth, and get you into situations you may not want (or deserve) to be in.
What can you do to stop apologizing all the time?
So, how can you help pull yourself from this fawn state and put your mind and body at ease? It’s usually easier to change our thoughts than our feelings, so let’s start there. Transform your “I’m sorry”s into “thank you”s. Here are some examples:
“I’m sorry for running late” —> “Thank you for your patience”
“I’m sorry for talking so much” —> “Thank you for listening and supporting me”
“Ugh I’m so sorry I ordered your coffee wrong” —> “Thank you for understanding and being gracious with my mistake”
“Oh gosh so sorry for the change in plans” —> “Thank you for your flexibility, I really appreciate it”
We’re all human and we all make mistakes or get it wrong at times. You don’t need to be sorry for being human. So instead of overapologizing, you can express gratitude and appreciation for this person being with you and standing by you exactly as you are. This reframe not only makes everyone feel more positive overall in the conversation but also reminds your body and your heart that you are safe with this person to be yourself, amazing as is.
c/o giphy thank you
This is not to say that acknowledging your actions or taking responsibility is not important! It is and there are times when deep, sincere apologies are justified and critical to maintaining the health of your relationship. But when we overdo it to the point of compulsion, we’re only doing a disservice to ourselves, our loved ones, and the word “sorry”.
If you’re struggling with over-apologizing in your relationships, our Chicago relationship and sex therapists can help. If you’re ready to get to the root cause of why you over-apologize, you can schedule a free 30-minute consultation with us here.
~ Allison Colaianni, ALMFT
