Context: Building Bridges to Desire- Part III
In Parts 1 and 2 of the Context Blog series, you learned what context is and why it is not just important, but essential to address in creating positive sexual experiences – especially when things are not going well organically. It’s hard to pay attention to context in the moment, in part because it would mentally take you out of a sexual experience with so much data to concentrate on and remember. So, we want to take a positive and person-centered approach and ask you to look back into your sexual history, both partnered and solo experiences.
Identifying Positive Sexual Contexts
1. Think about your most recent or most vivid fulfilling, pleasurable sexual experience. List the factors that may have set you up in the right context to enjoy the experience (for example, maybe your partner was away and you were missing them, or maybe you listened to some erotic fan-fiction to get in the mood).
2. On a piece of paper, make two columns labeled “internal” and “external.” Under the “internal” column, write down adjectives that describe your internal state at the time of this fulfilling, pleasurable sexual experience – your emotions, mental state, and physical state. Under the “external” column, write down adjectives that describe the environment at the time of this fulfilling, pleasurable sexual experience – sounds, smells, sights, tastes, and touch sensations.
3. Think or journal about how these internal and external factors contributed to the way you felt about the experience – were you receptive to it? How did you know? Why did you enjoy this context? Why do you remember it today – what makes it stick out?
4. Repeat steps 1-3 with other fulfilling, pleasurable sexual experiences – at least three of them, but you can do this with as many experiences as you can think of, as well as future experiences! What are the common themes you are seeing that allow you to be interested in engaging in sex? To enjoy yourself or your partner? To feel pleasure?
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Let’s Discuss!
Was this exercise difficult or easy for you? How do you feel thinking about sexuality in this way? What was going on in your life and relationships with others around that time? Once you do this exercise a few times, you may begin to notice themes that arise.
The information you glean from this exercise is vital to what Barry McCarthy calls “building bridges to desire” – in other words, discovering individual cues, places, and scenarios that are sexually inviting for one or both partners. The contextual factors that are within your control can be used to build a delicious, safe arsenal of tools to build your bridges to desire, as well as create yourself an erotic self-care routine!
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Let’s Practice
Maybe you noticed that candles and the scent of sandalwood get you in the mood. Definitely add more of this to your home, as well as to the spot you typically like to have sex in. Sometimes a sensual reset of your home is in order! Or perhaps you noticed that your partner helped you with household chores more than usual over the week and this helped out with your stress levels, allowing you time and emotional energy for sex. It’s no coincidence that a 2016 study found this contextual factor to be relevant for many couples. And you may have noticed that your partner apologized about a particular disagreement and this communication made you feel much more open to sex with them. Sometimes apologies are in order – Do you know what apology style resonates with you? Finally, have you been stuck working from home from your bed? This is an easy way to invite work into your sex life. With your new understanding of context, you may want to adopt the Rule of Three S’s: Your bed is for Sleeping, Sickness, and Sex only!
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Context – both the circumstances and your brain state at the present moment – informs your entire experience of sex. We hope you can see through this three-part discussion that one of the best things you can do to tend to your sexual health for yourself and your relationship(s) is to begin to think differently, and more mindfully, about context.