If you have found yourself at any point in the last several months feeling extra depleted, more reactive, or even a bit more in conflict with your partner(s) or loved ones, I have your diagnosis- you’re 100% human! Conflict is a normal, and arguably extremely important, part of any relationship. It should come as no surprise that research coming out of our global pandemic has found an increase in relationship conflict and dissatisfaction. Where we may find ourselves in trouble is when we assign meaning to conflict, which can at times, impede our ability to bounce back.

“Fighting must mean we’re doomed!”

“There must be something wrong with us!”

“This shouldn’t be happening.”

“We are never going to get through this!”

Sexual health researcher Emily Nagoski said it best, that “couples who sustain strong sexual connections are not the ones with no blockages-- they’re the ones who know how to clear it out. Which is to say, they are not couples who never hurt each other; they’re the ones who find the way back.” So today I offer you three tips (our three T’s!) for finding your way back together when you (inevitably) find yourself in conflict with those you love.

The “Three T’s” to Finding Your Way Back from Conflict

ONE: Time outs- take a break! When emotions are driving the ship, we quite literally do not have access to the part of our brain that can problem solve, or see our partner as the full, flawed, and wonderful person that we fell in love with. Time outs here are key- and NOT the type of ‘time outs’ that start with storming out or slamming the door (as tempting as these are for our emotional mind!). Create a shared understanding of what calling a “time out” means- a moment to halt the conflict, separate, and intentionally work on de-escalating, with the intention of coming back together in an agreed-upon amount of time. As Terry Reel describes in his 10 Commandments of Time Outs, we are “not using a time out to punish your partner but rather to calm things down, [so] it is critical that you check in with your partner from time to time in order to take the emotional temperature between you.” So how might I commit to de-escalating during this time? See our second T!

TWO: TIPP/ Grounding- Taking the cake as my all-time favorite Dialectical Behavior Therapy skill, TIPP stands for Temperature change, Intense exercise, Paced breathing, and Progressive muscle relaxation. These strategies aim to ground us in the present moment, and pull on our physiological experience when activated to help us move through a wave of emotion. If you love the neurological tidbits behind why these strategies are so effective, they work towards activating our parasympathetic nervous system, signaling out bodies to calm and relax. My favorite ways to practice TIPP include:

Temperature- hold ice cubes to your sinuses; dunk your face in water; take a cold shower; pop your face in the freezer; or get creative with Chicago snow!

Intense exercise- complete 1-2 minutes of: planks; wall-sits; jumping jacks; or running stairs

Paced breathing- count your breath (with exhales slightly longer than inhales); recite mantras to yourself while breathing (example: “I breathe in calm, I breathe out anxiety”); square breathing- inhale a count of 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4 (repeat!)

Progressive Muscle Relaxation- tensing and releasing of the muscles from head to toe. Pro tip- most mindfulness apps have their own scripts, or you can record your own for easy access!

Any type of grounding with our 5 senses can be helpful here as well, as our emotional mind likes to make us ruminate on issues of the past, or catapult things into worst case scenario in the future. It’s important to remember that anything we’re taking in through our 5 senses can only be happening in the current moment (we can’t smell yesterday or hear tomorrow).

Get creative with what grounding techniques work best for you- is it a calming scent? A fidget? Following one instrument through the entirety of a favorite song? Popping a sour candy in your mouth and noticing the changing tastes/sensations on your tongue? Play around with options, write them down on post-its or the “notes” section on your phone, and make them as accessible as possible! Throw an ice-pack in your car, toss some essential oils in your bedside table, and ground yourself back in the present moment. Remember, emotions don’t last forever. In fact, they only last a short amount of time unless we retrigger them. Your job in this time-out is not to figure out a perfect solution to end this conflict- your job is to ride this wave of emotion, and allow yourself to naturally de-escalate.

THREE- Turning towards- Now’s the time for “finding your way back,” as Nagoski’s quote above describes. “Turning towards” is a term coined by relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman, and refers to the intentional process of recognizing and acknowledging your partner’s “bids” (both verbal and nonverbal) for connection. Especially following conflict, it is easy to miss the countless opportunities to find each other and reconnect. Bids for connection may sound like an overt message of apology or admiration, or may be as subtle as eye contact, a smile or making your partner a cup of tea. Vulnerability is a key ingredient to reconnection. Turning towards takes disarming your protective parts, and vulnerably asking yourself the age-old DBT question- “Do I want to be right or do I want to be effective?” If your goal here is to reconnect, choose to turn towards, not away or against.

When we treat conflict itself as a problem, we often miss opportunities to grow even stronger relationships and flex our muscles regulating our emotions. If you’re human, you’ll bump up against your loved ones from time to time, especially in quarantine. Move through these moments by taking a break, grounding yourself, and turning towards.

~ Madalyn Simpson, ALMFT

Managing Quarantine Conflict: An Emotion Regulation Approach

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