The Nuts & Bolts of Love Languages

Let’s talk Love Languages. This versatile framework, developed by Gary Chapman in the early 90’s, is a cultural buzz phrase by now – but do you actually know how they work? I’ll explain. The feeling of being loved is communicated to you by someone else and the way you most positively respond to that communication of love is your Love Language. In the spirit of big, romantic gestures, you may feel especially loved when your partner takes time off work on your birthday just to spend time with you. But Love Languages aren’t only about emphatic expressions of love – you may also feel especially loved by your partner when they run errands with you, chop vegetables while you do the cooking, or set aside 15 minutes each night to spend time with you. These gestures, big and small, are what make someone whose Love Language is Quality Time feel loved.

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The way you feel most loved is not necessarily the same as the way you express love to someone else. You cannot expect others to love the way you do AND you cannot expect someone to read your mind about your needs – hence, the importance of the conversation around Love Languages! The way you express and receive love is learned, often by the way your family and/or past significant partners showed/received love. And because we don’t all grow up learning the same information or having the same experiences, these things need to be discussed.

If you’re not familiar with your Love Language(s), you can take the original Love Language Quiz. We love the framework of Love Languages because it is so versatile. You can utilize this idea with your partner(s) you’ve been with for 3 weeks, your partner(s) you’ve been with 3 decades, your friends, your kids – whoever is important in your life! The great thing about Love Languages is that they allow for creativity and are appropriate for meeting needs in many different relationship configurations.

Now that we’ve clarified how to think about love languages on a process level, let’s dig into the content! Here’s a look at Love Languages through the lens of something fun that you can do with just about anyone: eat.

Acts of Service: “I made you a burrito.”

Words of Affirmation: “Your burritos are delicious!”

Quality Time: “Let’s make burritos together.”

Gift Giving: “I picked up a burrito for you on my way home.”

Physical Touch: Embrace another person in a warm, full hug, i.e. wrap them up like a burrito.

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Now, let’s look at Love Languages through a lens of everyday intimacy with a new partner:

Acts of Service: “I picked up some dinner for you because I know you had a long day.”

Words of Affirmation: “You are so (insert complement here). I’m so happy we’re hanging out!”

Quality Time: “I know we’ve both had a busy week. Can we go on a walk, just you and I?”

Gift Giving: “I made you a playlist that reminds me of you.”

Physical Touch: Sporadic hugs, pecks on the cheek or lips, hand holding, and scratching someone’s back are all small, low stakes, and highly impactful.

Let’s turn up the heat and move toward sensuality and foreplay (not limited to just before sex – foreplay can happen any time of day to increase desire for later!):

Acts of Service: “I did all your chores today so that you don’t have to stress before our sex date tonight.”

Words of Affirmation: Texting, “Those pants looked amazing on you this morning. I can’t wait to take them off tonight 😉”

Quality Time: “Let’s get a hotel room and turn off our phones for the night.”

Gift Giving: “I snuck a little something into your bag for you to wear later tonight.” Maybe it’s lingerie. Maybe it’s a blindfold. Use some imagination.

Physical Touch: As your partner leaves for the day, give them a deep, sensual kiss… you might even take time to practice a 6-second kiss.

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Been teased long enough? Here is how you might use Love Languages *consensually* during a sexual experience:

Acts of Service: “How would you like it if you just relax and focus on pleasure while I go down on you?”

Words of Affirmation: “I love the way you look/smell/taste right now while I’m (use your imagination here).”

Quality Time: “Can we see how long we can touch using just our hands before we’re begging each other for more?”

Gift Giving: “I made this massage oil using your favorite essential oil scent. Can I use it on you?”

Physical Touch: Tantra and sex positions that bring you physically closer are great ways to express physical touch during an already physical experience!

As you can see, there are a multitude of ways to express Love Languages within a relationship. I encourage you to explore your own Love Languages, as well as your partner(s), and share creative ways to love each other based on each of your Love Language needs.