Secrecy vs. Privacy: Do you know the difference?

I was recently sharing an elevator with a couple who were having a playful conversation about phone privacy. One partner was looking over the other’s shoulder to see what they were doing on their phone, and the other, in response, pulled their phone out of sight and said, “don’t you look at my phone!” There was some playful back and forth between them, which ended in one partner saying, “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine.”

Yikes!

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Of course, they had no idea they were sharing an elevator with a couples therapist, so it obviously got me thinking about the line between privacy and secrecy in relationships.

What are the differences between privacy and secrecy?

Privacy is your right. It is the act of having your own thoughts, feelings and experiences that you may not feel compelled to share with anyone. It includes having boundaries around how and when you are accessible, and allows you to have alone time. Privacy is a healthy form or practicing individuality.

We all have a right to privacy. Here are a few examples of what privacy may look like in your relationships:

• Showering or getting dressed/undressed in private

• Having passwords on email, social media accounts and computers*

• Having personal conversations with friends and family

• Having separate bank accounts*

• Keeping embarrassing stories from your past to yourself

• Maintaining your sexual relationship with yourself (masturbating, fantasizing, reading erotica, etc.)

• Taking time for yourself separate from the relationship

*Unless otherwise discussed in your relationship agreement

If you haven’t already, I encourage you to sit down with your partner(s) to discuss what remains private and what doesn’t when it comes to your relationship. This includes expressing needs like not wanting your partner to be in the bathroom while you shower, or to be nearby while you have private conversations on the phone with friends or family members. Whatever you need, ask for it. Advocating for and respecting these boundaries can make a world of a difference in your relationships.

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Secrecy, on the other hand, is intentional. It is the act of hiding or withholding information from your partner(s) because the impact will be consequential. Secrecy is a toxic relationship behavior that can cause serious harm to the health of your relationship.

Here are some examples of what secrecy can look like in your relationships:

• Hiding or lying about finances such as debt, spending habits, or making big financial decisions without your partner

• Misleading your partner about your relationships with other people like co-workers, friends or ex-partners

• Lying about your job or career path

• Hiding an addiction like gambling or substance abuse

• Engaging in sexually explicit or suggestive conversations or acts that violate your relationship agreement

• Hiding parts of your sexual, physical or mental health history*

*When they may impact your partner

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Secrets, lies and withholding information from your partner(s) can cause significant damage to your relationship. These behaviors can lead to a breach in trust and safety, which will require intentional and consistent effort to repair over time. If you find yourself struggling with secrecy, ask yourself these questions:

• How will keeping this information from my partner potentially impact them and our relationship?

• Is this a violation of our relationship agreement?

• Will I break my partner's trust by not sharing this information?

• If I share this with someone outside of my relationship, how will my partner(s) be impacted?

Asking yourself these questions can help you be more intentional about how you are showing up in your relationships. I hope you can use this information to start a positive and productive conversation about privacy versus secrecy in your relationships.

~ Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST