True or False - What is your knowledge of sexual health?

Are you ready to play a game that tests your knowledge of some facets of sexual health? True or false:

1. Clitoral orgasms are more pleasurable than vaginal orgasms.

2. When a vagina owner loses their virginity, their hymen tears – this is how doctors can tell whether a vagina owner has had sex or not.

3. If there wasn’t an orgasm, a sexual experience didn’t fully complete – it was a disrupted experience.

4. Sex is most pleasurable when it happens spontaneously and naturally.

5. Some pain in sex is typical.

6. Men want sex more than women do. 

7. Fantasizing about someone else is cheating. 

8. If someone is interested in kink or BDSM, they must have been abused.

9. If I ejaculate within three minutes of sex, I have premature ejaculation problems. 

10. If I don’t have desire to be sexual, I have a sexual problem and need to go to a doctor or to sex therapy. 

So, ready to see how your knowledge of sexual health holds up?

The answer to every question is: false. Sneaky, I know. But more importantly, here are the facts.

c/o giphy: Image description for The Office Dwight saying “false”

1. Clitoral orgasms are more pleasurable than vaginal orgasms. There is no measure or research that indicates clitoral orgasms are more pleasurable than the different types of orgasms you can have (vaginal, cervical, sleep, exercise, and skin orgasms are all possible!). To know what is most pleasurable for yourself or a clit-having partner(s) is to explore and then communicate about it! The clitoris is one whole organ that is larger than just the external nub we can see. Its internal parts can be stimulated through different means, in addition to the glans. We really like this Guide to Clitoral Sex and OMGYes when it comes to educating yourself about pleasuring anyone with a clitoris.  

2. When a vagina owner loses their virginity, their hymen tears, helping us be able to tell whether they’ve had a sexual experience or not. False, false, FALSE. The hymen is scientifically NOT an accurate measure of whether someone has had intercourse. If there is pain during vaginal penetration, it’s because the hymen isn’t yet used to being stretched. It’s a piece of tissue that becomes more elastic during puberty and, similar to other skin tissues in the body, when it tears, it heals. It also doesn’t typically bleed. Any bleeding upon penetration is generally due to vaginal tearing because of lack of lubrication, rather than damage to the hymen.

3. If there wasn’t an orgasm, a sexual experience didn’t fully complete – it was a disrupted experience. Orgasms sometimes feel GREAT. But for some, orgasms can be painful, nonconsensual (yes, they can be forced and no, it DOESN’T mean you enjoyed it), and some people don’t have the ability to have orgasms. So, does this mean they’ve never had a full sexual experience? You see, completion of a sexual experience happens when you feel it’s complete - when you have reached the threshold of pleasure fulfillment, with yourself or mutually with a partner. Or when you experience pain. Or when the baby cries in the next room. The experience completes when you feel it is complete. Many vulva owners can’t orgasm from intercourse alone. Some penis owners with delayed ejaculation have trouble orgasming during partnered sex. Even with sexual functioning concerns, you can still have a full sexual experience. Instead of basing a sexual experience as “complete” off of orgasm, try centering pleasure. This makes for a much different experience, removes some pressure, and actually facilitates the relaxation that you may need in order to feel that orgasmic release.

4. Sex is most pleasurable when it happens spontaneously and naturally. Again, you cannot define pleasure by any means except asking yourself or your partner(s) what feels most pleasurable to them. Furthermore, you’ve been fed the idea that if sex doesn’t happen spontaneously, it’s unenjoyable and your relationship is in trouble. Many people learn to be sexual when they are in late adolescence/early adulthood - a time when there are fewer responsibilities and less distractions than in adult life. It takes most of us time and mindfulness to get into a physical and mental space for sex. Spontaneous desire happens when a wave of desire hits you and you flow into actioning it. On the other hand, responsive desire happens when you get yourself in the right frame of mind by creating the context you need in order for your body to turn on and your brain to be present enough to enjoy sex. Pausing, watching sexual imagery, touching, bathing, and allowing yourself the time to be sexual can actually be more pleasurable than spontaneity in the end.

5. Some pain in sex is typical. If you experience pain during sex, especially consistently, talk to your medical provider. There may be neurological, physiological, or hormonal issues occurring. It’s not always something to worry about 100% of the time, but you need to get it checked out. If pain during sex goes unaddressed, the brain can eventually begin to recognize sex as a trigger for pain, and sex becomes the enemy.

6. Men want sex more than women do. This is a tricky one because the way we think about desire is steeped in cultural norms and sexual myths. Here’s what the science says: the difference in libido levels between sexes show that men* are slightly higher than women*, however; there are bigger differences within gender groups (i.e. within a group of men) regarding wanting to be sexual than across the sexes (men vs women). High libido (arousal) has nothing to do with wanting (desire) and in many relationships, the higher desire person oscillates and varies throughout life and the relationship.

c/o giphy: Image description for NBC show, New Amsterdam, man and woman flirting

*The language “men” and “women” is used here for conciseness, as well as to represent the populations studied in the provided research. It does not speak to the breadth and complexity of gender identity. When it comes to wanting, the best practice across identities is to communicate.

7. Fantasizing about someone else is cheating. This may feel true to some, but I’d first like to remind you that “cheating” is meaning-laden and defined very personally. There is no blanket rulebook for what constitutes cheating. The brain sometimes fantasizes without our instigation. It knows what it likes, and sometimes you can’t control those thoughts from occurring; what you can control is how you act on your thoughts. You must get clear on the meaning you and your partner(s) make of concepts like fantasy, masturbating, and what exactly constitutes cheating for you. These are values conversations and belief systems that you cannot assume are universally true until you create overt relationship agreements about what is and is not okay in your relationship(s).

8. If someone is interested in kink or BDSM, they must have been abused. It was only in 2013 that the psychology field stopped considering kink, fetishism, and BDSM engagement as mental disorders. When studied, it was found that there is no significant difference in experiencing trauma or abuse between those who engaged in BDSM and those who didn’t. Pain and pleasure are activated in the same part of the brain. It’s been hypothesized that folx who engage in kink and BDSM are actually more mindful and more mentally healthy than those who don’t. Don’t knock it ‘til you try it, and don’t believe the myths that circulate our society without engaging in your own critical thinking.

9. If I ejaculate within three minutes of sex, I have premature ejaculation problems. Premature ejaculation, like erectile dysfunction, happens to most all penis owners at some point. Here’s the thing - rapid ejaculation isn’t classified as “disordered” unless it is distressing to the penis owner. Most penis owners orgasm and ejaculate on average between five and seven minutes, however; the overall range of “normal” spans from less than one minute to over 30 minutes. If a penis isn’t working “as it should,” take a pause and learn the science, then ask yourself if it is actually distressing to yourself or if you are measuring yourself up to cultural norms and sexual myths. If it IS a problem for you, sex therapy could be a great option!

10. If I don’t have desire to be sexual, I have a problem and need to go to a doctor or to sex therapy. Desire (wanting to engage in sexual expression - different from arousal) waxes and wanes naturally throughout life, regardless of age, gender identity, sex assigned at birth, partnership status, or how sexual you’ve felt previously before now. In fact, not all people are allosexual (experience sexual attraction to others), and we’re not taught to make up our minds about this for ourselves. If you don’t feel much desire and you really want to, sex therapy could be a great option. If you don’t feel much desire and you couldn’t care less, you’re actually normal just the way you are. Take a moment and think about why you want to be sexual, how you experience attraction or desire for others, and what you want to feel. 

c/o giphy: Image description for Little Mermaid shrug