Ghostbusters: How to recover from being ghosted
As we transition into the fall months and approach Halloween, you may be experiencing a common phenomenon with your summer relationships and flings: ghosting.
Ghosting is when someone suddenly stops all forms of connection without an explanation. The ghost ignores your attempts to contact them as if you’d never had any contact at all. You can ghost or be ghosted by folks from casual to serious romantic or intimate relationships, friends, family members, even employers or clients.
The reality is, no matter the level of seriousness of the relationship, being ghosted really sucks. We take emotional risks when entering any relationship with someone new, and, unfortunately, in our modern dating and technological world, ghosting has become part of the risk you take. It’s a spooky experience as it can trigger thoughts of past rejections and abandonments, attachment wounds, and can also take a huge toll on your self-esteem, especially if relationships are an area of your life that you struggle with. You may feel embarrassed and confused, left wondering “what you did to deserve this''. The truth is, you likely didn’t do anything wrong and it’s more reflective of the ghost’s character than yours.
Here are a few tips and reminders for not letting your ghost haunt you for too long:
1. Respect the dead
The ghost’s actions (or lack thereof) reveals a ton about who they are as a partner and person. They are likely avoidant, struggle with empathy, have difficulty with emotional vulnerability or availability, and are more concerned with maintaining their safety and comfort over yours. Ghosting exposes a lack of interest and respect for the other person. Ask yourself, is this the type of person I want to keep in my life, especially with the high risk of these ghosting behaviors happening again?
As our mind spirals in confusion, we often want to make excuses for ghosts to justify their behavior. Maybe they lost their phone, or their family member is ill, or they’re really swamped with work. The truth is, especially in our day and age and how simple it is to communicate with others over various technologies and resources, you were not high enough on their priorities to warrant a simple phone call or 20-second text. I encourage and challenge you to avoid contacting them, even if you’re desperate to understand what happened. Resentment will only build if you continue to put more energy and work into the relationship than they do.
c/o giphy: Image description for Jimmy Fallon waving his hand and moving off camera
2. Your ghost is likely struggling with their own demons
It is tempting to turn inwards when you experience any type of rejection and ask yourself questions like “what did I do wrong?”, “what’s wrong with me?”, or “why don’t they like me?” Being ghosted is not about you. More often than not, ghosting is really about the ghost’s values and how they operate in relationships (e.g., “I run away when things get difficult or scary”, “I will only do what’s in my best interests”). It is also possible that your ghost has been ghosted themselves in the past and/or they've learned over time that this is the normal, acceptable, and easy way to end relationships nowadays. If anything, ghosting is more reflective of the ghost’s character, the environment and people the ghost surrounds themselves with, and our greater modern dating culture that is heavily influenced by patriarchy and capitalism.
If you’re struggling to get over a ghost, it may be worth creating some daily affirmations that you can say to yourself or keep on your phone or mirror, such as “Other people’s behaviors are not reflective of me”, or “I deserve relationships with people who treat me with respect and kindness”.
3. Acknowledge your hurt
To recover from any stressful event, including ghosting, it is essential to practice the act of identifying and acknowledging your feelings around what happened. Know that you’re not alone. Reach out to friends for support who have shared the same experience, read people’s experiences and stories of being ghosted on blogs and forums online. Times like these are when it is most essential to practice self-care.
c/o giphy: Image description: white cat being massaged by toy skeleton hands
4. Remember this experience when you feel the urge to ghost someone down the line*
By this point, you’re well aware that being abandoned and rejected with no rhyme or reason is painful, confusing, and harmful to one’s mental wellbeing and trust in others. This is a great opportunity to take a lesson away from this experience next time you want to end a relationship with someone. Ghosting someone in the future may seem like it will bring you some solace or revenge for the pain you had endured, or it may seem to be the easiest or even the “kindest” way to end things. But we now know that it’s more complicated and nuanced than that. You don’t have to offer a long, detailed, overly-revealing explanation to not want to be with someone, but you still have the opportunity to display your bravery and compassion by telling the person that it’s over.
There are a number of simple things you can say instead of ghosting someone (Herzog, 2022):
If first date was a flop:
“It was great meeting you, but I didn't feel enough of a connection to go on another date. I wish you all the best!"
If you’re just not ready for a relationship:
"I've really enjoyed our time together, but I'm realizing that I'm not in a place to get into a relationship. I want to be honest with you as I respect your time. Hope you can understand."
If you’re taking a break from dating:
“It's been really nice getting to know you, but I will be taking a break from dating at the moment. It's totally a me thing, just something I'm needing. I wish you the best!"
If you’re ready to move on:
“I have enjoyed our time together, and you have been so much fun to hang out with. I wanted to be honest and let you know I don’t see this progressing further.”
If you want to stay friends:
“I've so enjoyed getting to know you. Because I respect you so much, I'd rather be honest. I'm not feeling a romantic connection. I really like you and would even be interested in being friends, but would never want to send the wrong signals, so please tell me if that is something you are interested in. If not, that's totally okay, too.”
5. Celebrate as an opportunity to invite more “angels” into your life
Instead of wondering “why is this happening to me,” begin to consider what your experience with a ghost has taught you about relationships. This is an opportunity to strengthen your existing relationships and invite people who align with your values into your life. The disastrous mental spiral and pain after being ghosted is very real, and at the same time that person is not meant to be in your life. Even if you do get back together with your ghost, they may never fully return to their 100% human form you once saw them as due to this breach in trust. You’re now free to find someone(s) who will be fully there for you.
*In abusive relationships or those in which you feel unsafe, ghosting may be your only and best option to maintain your safety. If this fits your experience, consider seeking therapy or calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 for confidential support.
~ Allison Colaianni, ALMFT