A Timeline for Your First Year as Parenting Partners

 Parenting is a wild and incredible ride. It is a journey that radically changes your connection, expectations, and fundamental relationship with your partner. Knowledge is power – and we want to equip your family with the understanding of what to expect in the first year of becoming parents as well as tips for how you can center your intimate relationship throughout the chaos. It is important to remember that there is not one specific timeline that will apply to all couples – your relationship and your baby are incredibly unique! This timeline highlights the core common emotions that couples may experience throughout their first year as parenting partners.

The first 14 days…

Shock, love, and awe.

Just like that… baby is here! Parenting partners are often overwhelmed with the love and sense of responsibility that they feel towards their newest addition. You might catch glimpses of your partner and feel surges of warmth, admiration, and connection. You might feel immense pride about the family you’re actively creating and the work that was required during the prenatal and birthing process. There is often an outpouring of support from friends and family – your village will be emerging and reaching out to ask how they can show up for you during these times. You and your partner might be feeling shocked at the changes that are happening in your home and your bodies. Couples often experience a sense of disbelief at just how quickly their worlds have been turned upside down – each day you are learning so much about your baby and beginning to truly see yourself as parents.

The cast of Friends surrounding Monica and Chandler with their two newborns.

2 weeks to 6 weeks…

Overwhelmed, exhausted, lonely.

A general sense of feeling overwhelmed is common during this stretch of weeks. Visits from family and meal drop-offs might have slowed down, and the couple is pushed to rely on themselves for keeping the household afloat. The intense combination of plummeting hormones, sleep deprivation and the responsibility of keeping a tiny human alive can really throw us for a loop! Plan with your partner on how you can both carve out time for yourselves – small breaks away from your baby to get fresh air, eating a meal, taking a shower, or having a nap. Our bodies need 3-5 hours of uninterrupted sleep to restore our biorhythms – with so much on your plates and minds, this restoration is essential. You might feel like you and your partner are passing ships in the night (literally!) during this period. Small efforts to connect like giving each other a hug while walking past each other in the hallway or offering to make your partner a snack will go a long way. Your family system is in survival mode and you two are each other’s best advocates.

Jocelyn from Schitt’s Creek pushing a stroller and saying, “ Either he’s crying or I am.”

The 6-week milestone is usually the time that birthing partners are cleared to exercise and resume sexual activity. Some birthing partners will feel at ease when receiving this news and some will feel far from ready. Low estrogen levels from postpartum and breastfeeding might result in vaginal dryness or tightness, which can make penetration feel uncomfortable and even painful. Allow yourselves to ease back into intimate touch, discuss ahead of time what types of sexual acts might feel pleasurable for the both of you outside of penetration, and incorporate lubricant whenever possible.

6 weeks to 3 months...

Struggling to connect, resentment, AND we’re doing the dang thing.

If one parent is back at work by now and the other is still at home, both partners might feel resentful or envious of each other’s daily schedules. The parent responsible for daytime child care might feel jealous of their partner’s ability to transition back to “normal life” (adult conversations, traditional work responsibilities, opportunities for getting out of the house and socializing, etc.) At the same time, the parent who has gone back to work might be saddened by missing out on bonding experiences at home and feeling envious of their partner who gets one-on-one time with the baby. Both perspectives are deeply understandable and valid – this has been a huge shift for your family system! Give yourself permission to put words to your own experience and communicate them directly with your partner, while being curious about how this season is feeling to them. Sharing statements of gratitude with your partner can go a long way during this period, as parenting partners can feel like their individual efforts and sacrifices are going unnoticed. Although partners may feel disconnected from each other during this stretch of time, there is often also a feeling of “We are really doing this! We are finding our rhythm and we are making it!” You have navigated an incredibly challenging and emotional life transition, remember to give yourselves, your baby, and your partner the recognition you all deserve.

3 months to 6 months…

The family system is finding their footing and the relationship is no longer in the backseat.

 The 6-month milestone for many families is a time where they feel like they can finally catch their breath. The baby that you have been tending to 24/7 is likely on a more predictive schedule and you are starting to witness their incredible personalities emerge. Now that your world feels a bit steadier, you might feel ready to re-prioritize your relationship outside of the parenting dynamic and find ways to connect with your partner again. Allow yourselves to reflect on what dynamics and activities helped you feel close to your partner before your baby arrived. What characteristics did your partner have? What characteristics did your relationship have? Prioritize scheduling childcare so that you two can enjoy a few hours outside of the house together and make a conscious effort to use your connective time to talk about each other (not just your newest addition). If your baby is sleeping in their own room at this point, it can be helpful to conceptualize your bedroom as an intimate sanctuary again. Be intentional about how you use the window of time after your baby goes to sleep – some ideas might be to each share a “high and low” about your day, exchange massages, or to just sit quietly next to each other while holding hands.

6 months to 12 months…

Seeking out opportunities to rebuild and connect.

 A short 12 months ago, your world looked entirely different than it does now. It is normal to be looking at your partner and regard them as a roommate rather than your erotic partner. This stretch of time is an integral period to move towards rebuilding your romantic relationship to strengthen the overall family system and create the type of union that you want to sustain. This is a great time to be honest with your partner about your goals for reconnection, “This has been a trip! I feel like we have grown in separate directions, understandably. I’m really looking forward to re-centering our relationship and being intentional about focusing on us again.” Now that you have found your groove, there might be conversations you’d like to have about how to adequately split household/parenting responsibilities. There might never be a total 50/50 split of duties between partners but having open conversations and feeling like you are working towards the same goals will drastically improve your overall relational satisfaction.