Infidelity 101: No More Secret Agreements
It’s a disappointing truth that we’re all touched by infidelity in some way or another. Even if we’ve never directly had infidelity occur in our relationships, most of us know someone who has been affected by it, or have strong opinions about it happening to us, at the very least. Due to the rise of the internet and cultural shifts around our use of technology, there are more ways to engage in cheating than ever before. To complicate things further, your definitions of feeling safe and desired or what exactly constitutes an affair might not match your partner’s. How do we even begin to address it all?
Let’s start by addressing our language. How do the words “cheating” or “infidelity” feel in your body when you say them in your head? How about out loud? I’m guessing not great. I’m guessing it brings up fear, resentment, negative judgment, and painful memories. Now try out this language: “Operating outside of the relationship agreement.” It’s a mouthful, I know. But I’m also guessing for some of you, it feels more neutral, more in control, less pathologizing or emotionally activating, and still accurate to what cheating essentially is – operating outside of our relationship agreements.
Why do we make secret agreements? Our ability to make choices is incredibly powerful and profound. It is a great privilege that not all people historically, or even currently, have access to. Our ability to choose can be empowering and, unfortunately, it can also be used to manipulate or rationalize bad behavior. Often, secret agreements show up because people haven’t clarified the meaning of a thing with each other. Willfulness – the inflexible desire to be right in a situation, regardless of what is right for your relationship – is also often at the heart of secret agreements. Instead of presuming what your partner(s) mean by “trust,” “monogamy,” or “cheating,” it’s an act of kindness, respect, and love for them to ask how they define these things so that you’re aligned. This is to respect your partner, but also to respect yourself and honor your ability to agree to all facets of the relationship you’re choosing.
What is a relationship agreement? A relationship agreement is a tool to help partners lay out, discuss, and agree upon what really matters to them in the long-term. This isn’t a promise that you propose, but instead is something that all parties accept and abide by. Creating a relationship agreement is the biggest growth opportunity I see for successful Modern Relationships of all types – instead of making choices using implicit, not-discussed, secret agreements, you need to be more overt about it. People talk about valuing relationships built on trust and connection but many folks I see in my practice have somehow never overtly talked about these concepts in specific detail with one another. For instance, masturbating while using adult sexual imagery may feel totally okay within the relationship agreement for you, but could feel very hurtful and like a breach in trust and connection to your partner. Something like this deserves discussion. If you want a great relationship, you can no longer operate off of implicit, secret agreements that haven’t actually been agreed to.
Considerations for your relationship agreements I want you to have as much agency as possible and advocate for your wants and needs. We humans are not defined by our potential, words, or promises, but by our actions and choices. I want you to have a relationship agreement with your partner(s) that you have had a chance to feel heard around, that you can agree to, and that can be updated as you and your partner(s) change throughout life together. It’s empowering and connective when your opinions and needs feel heard and your partner agrees to treat you as if your feelings are important to them. To begin your discussion around relationship agreements, here are some things to consider:
Get collaborative: Move away from the idea of “compromise” and toward the idea of “collaboration.” Compromise implies one or all people involved are losing something in order to meet in the middle, essentially creating a lose-lose situation. Working from a standpoint of collaboration, rather than compromise, gives all people involved a win and helps you show respect for each other’s wants, needs, feelings, and opinions. You and your partner have lived different lives and, thus, have different values, boundary needs, and fears. These values, boundaries, and fears are useful foundations for your relationship agreement.
Get uncomfortable: A difference is not a threat as long as you are able to respect and listen to each other’s viewpoints. Much of why we keep things covert in relationships is because – let’s be real – talking truthfully about your desires and differences can be vulnerable and uncomfortable. Ask yourself – Why is it important to value a little discomfort? Is there a reason or two that motivates you to choose vulnerability over comfort? Problems that can’t be discussed can’t be solved, and I’m really into the idea of discussing potential differences BEFORE they are acted upon… uncomfortable, but well worth it.
Get curious: Even if you have been in your relationship for 50 years, there is always a piece of your partner(s) waiting to be discovered if you are curious enough. People change with experiences that occur throughout life and if you make assumptions about your partner, you miss opportunities to find the potential for newness and excitement, essentially freezing your relationship right where you’ve presumed instead of allowing it to evolve. Try turning every assumption that you make into an open-ended question (i.e. a question that cannot be answered with a simple “yes” or “no”). After you’ve mastered the art of asking questions, see how deep you can go with them. For instance, is watching porn okay? What about fantasizing about other people? Or flirting? Are there types of fantasy that are agreeable, and others that are not? Where is the line crossed? If you asked your partner where the line is crossed, would they agree?
Relationship agreements are an important tool for partners to be heard, practice healthy authenticity and balanced togetherness and separateness, and they apply to all relationship configurations, despite how long you’ve been in a relationship. Great relationships are actively made, not born after all. Don’t wait until you’re in the wake of pain to create a relationship worth having.