Am I Ready for Sex and Relationship Therapy?

Truth be told, coming to therapy - especially sex and relationship therapy - can feel intimidating AF. Research has shown that the average couple waits six years before seeking professional support for their marital problems and that when they finally get there, it works positively for 70% of couples (Gottman, 1994). Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start, what to expect, and what type of therapy would be most effective for the problems you want to work on. If you’re curious about what actually happens in sex and relationship therapy, we have the rundown for you here. We want your experience to be positive, so we want to share some reflections on clients for whom therapy has been really effective. Here is what we’ve noticed:

All parties are ready and willing to do the work. Clients who make a commitment to attending sessions and trusting in the process do super well in therapy! If one party is on the fence about the therapeutic process and the other is fully invested, it takes a lot longer to get things moving in a positive direction. Sometimes, the partner that is not fully invested ends up feeling like their suspicion that therapy wouldn’t work for them is totally true… and in a way, it is. This self-fulfilling prophecy scenario becomes a major barrier to successful treatment because this mindset is in direct conflict with goals around creating connection and pleasure in your relationship with yourself or others. If you are seeking therapy because you’re unsure of whether you want to stay in your relationship, we highly recommend discussing this with your therapist before creating therapy goals. Discernment Counseling - a 1 to 5 session short-term therapy focused on gaining clarity as to whether you stay in a relationship or move toward separating - may be a good first step before engaging in sex and relationship therapy if you’re unsure if this is the right relationship for you. Bottom line, willingness is very important in therapy!

Clients value honesty and discomfort. Your therapist only knows what you report to them, so we are trusting you to be as honest as possible, while still valuing your privacy. We know how hard and uncomfortable it can be to be fully transparent about things that are causing pain, so your therapist will always support you in how to be both truthful and tactful about it. In sex and relationship work, there are no quick fixes. It is likely that at some point in your therapy work, you’ll be stretching your ability to sit in discomfort and engage in some vulnerable conversations. Your therapist is here to challenge you where appropriate to help facilitate change, which can feel difficult sometimes. We will always build trust with you first (you have to feel safe to fully trust, after all!) and we’ll also offer skills or support to you around getting effectively uncomfortable. Discomfort always feels more useful when you are choosing it, rather than feeling obligated or forced into it by others.

Andy from The Office looking uncomfortable and saying, “what?”

Clients are active participants in their work. Your therapist is a supportive expert and consultant who helps you move toward meeting your goals, while you are responsible for actioning the work to change your relationship. You are the expert of your relationship - your therapist will never know it better than you do, because you’re the one living it! We have much education to share about how to create healthy sex and relationships and we want to collaborate with you to help you work through the challenges at hand. We want to use your unique strengths to inform your work and help add perspective to how you are currently operating in your relationship(s) and how you are expressing your sexuality. Therapeutic work is an all-around investment - not only financially, but also in terms of time and energy. Clients that have success in therapy often value engaging in their work between sessions, as well as when they’re in the therapy room. We believe in the 80/20 rule here - 20% of the work happens in session but 80% happens on your own time with the way you are actively living your life and the skills and perspectives you are learning.

Moira Rose from Schitt’s Creek, saying “When one of us shines, all of us shine.”

There are some scenarios where sex and relationship therapy is not appropriate without putting in some work beforehand. All people have a right to engage in improving their sex and relationship problems, but there are some scenarios in which we would recommend you seek focused individual support before engaging in sex and relatoinship therapy. First, if substance use majorly impacts your life and relationships and has not been treated prior to attending sessions, we will recommend you seek therapy to tend to these issues with a specialist before sex and relationship therapy can begin. If mental health concerns are present that may impede the course of sex therapy, we will often make recommendations to be in therapy working on coping skills and self-regulation with a specialist while we engage in sex and relationship work. If verbal or physical abuse is an issue and you are fearful about your safety or well-being, we will refer you to the appropriate support and specialists before engaging in relational work. 

In addition to what is listed here, there are many factors that create effective change in therapy. Here at The Center for Modern Relationships, we are experts in the area of sex and relationships. If you’ve got quesitons about whether sex therapy is the right thing for you to engage in, we are eager to hear from you and help you find the right fit for the concerns you want to work on!