Aftercare: What ‘Vanilla’ Folks Need to Learn from Kinksters

If you’ve experimented with or researched how to get into the world of BDSM or kinky play (or read my previous blog post about power exchange), you’ve probably come across the term “aftercare” more than just a couple of times. Aftercare is essentially the ritual or practice of partners checking in with each other after a sexual experience and attending to each person’s emotional and physical needs. Just as foreplay prepares your mind and body for sex, aftercare is what helps you decompress and process the experience once it’s over. Sexual aftercare can include talking, cuddling, discussing the experience, having a snack or water, watching a show or movie together, taking some deep breaths alone, or hopping in the shower and changing the sheets. Whatever you find to be comforting, soothing, and restful. 

c/o giphy: are you okay?

Although you often hear this term in the BDSM context, I’m here to encourage non-kinky or ‘vanilla’ folks to consider how this practice could benefit you; especially if you are someone who experiences sexual shame, physical pain related to sex, or is healing from sexual trauma. Aftercare looks different for everyone depending on their own unique needs and preferences, so brainstorm what your own personal needs are that need to be met post-sex as you read along.

Benefits of Aftercare 

In the BDSM context, aftercare is an incredibly essential practice for a few reasons: 1) to help each partner transition out of their Dom/sub headspace in a safe way and to mitigate the distressing “Dom/sub drop” of adrenaline and other hormones after an intense scene, 2) to attend to any physical injuries that may have been inflicted, and 3) to maintain the thread of intimacy and closeness that the nature of the check-ins provide. The same goes for non-kinky sex too.

Minimizes the “Drop” and Maximizes the Bond

Once the sexual experience is over, whether it’s kinky or not, there is the sudden drop of hormones that can leave one with negative and confusing emotions (AKA postcoital dysphoria). Schweitzer and colleagues (2015) found that 46% of the cis-women in their sample felt depressed after sex at least once in their lifetime, and that there is no relationship between this experience and the level of intimacy of the relationship. People have shared that they are left feeling “used”, “neglected”, or “empty” after sex, even if that’s not what their one-night stand or long-term partner intended for them to feel. So, this “drop” you hear Doms and subs describe can happen to anyone after a sexual experience, whether there is kink involved or not! 

Ultimately, what happens after sex colors how we view the encounter as a whole. So, for example, if you felt pushed to the side immediately after your partner orgasms, even if the sex was great for all parties involved, you’ll likely leave feeling used and like your pleasure doesn't matter to them. No one deserves to feel this way, especially after putting yourself out there so vulnerably. Aftercare as simple as cuddling and pillow talk afterwards can combat this negative experience and strengthen intimacy. This practice doesn’t need to be romantic per se, either; it can just be about the comforting feeling of being taken care of and taking care of another person after an intimate, shared experience.

For Folks with Sexual Shame, Pain, and/or Trauma

In the world we live in, we are all pushing against messages and influences telling us that sex is shameful, especially if it doesn't fit the cis-het, vanilla, monogamous, ableist mold. Even if people intellectually know sex is not inherently shameful, those negative narratives held deep in our bodies can still emerge as shame after a sexual encounter. In this way, we are our most vulnerable in the moments before, during, and, particularly, after sex. 

Intentional aftercare can be an incredibly healing and reparative experience for people who have historically felt used or violated by others, for folks struggling with identity shame from internalized homophobia after a queer experience, for humans who feel deeply embarrassed by their physical sexual pain, for anyone. Just imagine what difference it could make to someone to have their emotional and physical needs embraced after such a vulnerable and potentially triggering experience. What difference it could make if their partner didn’t just walk out the front door after they were done. What difference it could make if someone cuddled their distressed partner until they felt safe enough to laugh together. I would imagine it could make a really beautiful, meaningful difference in that person’s life and their relationship to their bodies and sex. 

Better Sex (and Communication)

Part of an aftercare routine can include talking to a partner about the experience that was just shared. You can discuss likes and dislikes, what you liked that you want more of, what you want to try next, and what you’re not interested in trying again. By reflecting on the experiences together, this will not only help stretch the muscle of feeling comfortable communicating about sex and preferences, but it’ll also have a better chance at improving your sex life than the classic strategy of hoping your partner can mindread. 

c/o giphy communication

It does not matter if your partner is someone you just met or your spouse—no matter the relationship, everyone deserves the aftercare they crave and need. Your needs are not too much. Aftercare can range anywhere from a 3 minute conversation right after, or check ins for multiple days afterwards. Discuss and plan what you want your aftercare to look like beforehand so that disappointment from mismatched expectations doesn't fuel the flames of the potential “drop”. Implementing aftercare into your sexual repertoire will not only improve the quality of your sex and intimacy in the relationship, but can also be remarkably healing for those involved. 

~ Allison Colaianni, ALMFT