Out of Control with Sex? Six Principles to Get You Working On It
It’s really tough to feel like you can’t kick or soothe the feeling that you’re out of control, regardless of what the medium of expression is; and, it can be particularly painful when it comes to sex. It’s truly not as easy as just choosing not to do the thing anymore. Feeling out of control of your sexual behavior(s) can ruin relationships, drain finances, deny or numb your experience of pleasure (a REALLY essential part of being human!), and leave you feeling incomplete and alone. It can even be difficult to find someone to help you through it without shaming you, and it’s really important to be in good collaboration with people helping you through your erotic dilemmas.
c/o giphy out of control
Learning about the Six Principles of Sexual Health (Braun Harvey & Vigorito, 2015) is a great place to start. These principles were coined by AASECT certified sex and relationship therapists Doug Braun Harvey and Michael Vigorito in 2017, and are based upon the World Health Organization’s (WHO) definition of sexual health. As you read through these principles below, think about how they could serve as the basis of a plan you can create for yourself to improve your relationship with and behaviors around sexual health.
1. Consent
Voluntary participation and cooperation to engage in bringing pleasure, intimacy, and sexual satisfaction with oneself or willing partners in an agreed upon manner.
Consent is the bedrock of sexual health. Without consent, good sexual health *can’t be attained*.
2. Non exploitation
The motivation to ensure one is not taking advantage of another person by considering the risk of exploitation as it relates to consent between partners, the potential for harm, and the mutual advantageousness for each person to enjoy the sexual situation.
Exploitation is using your power or ability to sway or control in a way that compromises another person’s ability to consent and gain access to a sexual partner, activity, or feeling of gratification. Every person in the world has been exploited or has been the exploiter at some point. Exploitation can be overt or covert, implicit or explicit, and it is our duty to have integrity around this, as well as understand our behaviors around exploitation.
3. Protection from STIs and unwanted or unintended pregnancy
Equitable access to birth control resources, testing, medical care, scientifically accurate information regarding disease transmission, and reproductive health.
Partners must be capable of protecting themselves and their partner(s) from contracting an STI and/or undesired/unintended pregnancy.
4. Honesty
Direct, open, authentic communication with one’s partner(s); divulging the truth about openness to sexual pleasure, experiences, and education.
Radical, caring, and gentle honesty is essential for effective communication and upholding of sexual health principles.
c/o giphy honesty
5. Shared values
Clarifying underlying motives, sexual standards, and the meaning of specific sexual acts for each person.
Sex has meaning for us as human beings. This principle promotes conversations between sexual partners to understand the sexual values, boundaries, and intentions of each person involved (ESPECIALLY our partners who are not in the room or the act with us) so that sex remains consensual and non-exploitative.
6. Mutual pleasure
Both partners value giving AND receiving pleasure during sexual experiences.
Sex is supposed to feel good in some way. One thing that feels good for me might not feel good for you, and I consider how this affects pleasure for each of us. Sex is not selfish without also being selfless. Feeling pleasure should not feel shameful. The sex being engaged in represents the desire of all sexual partners.
Values are both the basis of who we are and how we make choices when we are at our best and most authentic. They are beacons that we can imagine when we need a reality check (think Cobb’s totem in Inception, a religious icon that holds meaning to you, or a person you want to hold in mind when making choices). Importantly, values are subjective, personal, emotional, arguable, and informed by multiculturalism.
Principles, on the other hand, are objective, factual, impersonal, self-evident, indisputable, and honor humanity at its most primitive truth: we survived because of our ability to be friendly, recognize common humanity, and support one another, an idea called “survival of the friendliest” (Hare, 2017). Principles are universal truths based on natural laws. Because sexuality is a culturally fraught subject, we don’t learn about it in a way that helps us understand the universal principles associated with it. This missing framework from our modern world creates a lot of pain and shame. So, this framework is where you can start!
In working on out-of-control sexual behavior (OCSB), you begin to understand your relationship with yourself, how you relate to others, how your brain and neurological system are wired, and your relationship to these six principles of sexual health. You take a deep, honest look at your relationship with and actions around sexual expression. It can be liberating, fascinating, and freeing work. Sometimes it is disappointing, seriously painful, and feels insurmountable. These six principles are a great starting point for you to know your way around. Go through each principle and ask yourself:
How do I understand this principle in my own words or through my own experiences?
How is this definition different from what I learned, especially when it comes to my sexual behavior?
Do I agree with this principle? Why or why not?
What do I want to experience in regard to this principle?
How can I enact this principle in my relationships or life?
These questions can be a great way to get started with working on OCSB or add into work you’re already engaged in. The six principles of sexual health are integral to being able to engage in pleasurable, consensual sex. For more information, see the position the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) holds around sex addiction and out-of-control feeling sexual behavior. Wishing you peace and pleasure.
Resources:
The Sexual LIves of Men podcast interview with Doug Braun Harvey
Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior: Rethinking Sex Addiction (Douglas Braun Harvey & Michael Vigorito, 2017)
James Franco Isn’t A Sex Addict and Neither Are You by Helen Wyatt, LMFT
Survival of the Friendliest: Homo Sapiens Evolved Via Selection for Prosociality. (Brian Hare, 2017)