Traits of the Different Attachment Styles

Earlier this year we broke down the different attachment styles. In this blog post, we’re going to be diving into some of the traits and characteristics of the attachment styles. Reminder: attachment styles aren’t fixed nor generalizable across relationships.

Preoccupied Attachment

As the graphic above illustrates, preoccupied attachment is characterized by high anxiety and low avoidance.

Characteristics of preoccupied attachment can look like: self-judgmental thoughts; ruminating on past interactions with someone to ‘determine’ their feelings/thoughts toward you; wondering if someone is thinking about you, or if they think about you as much as you think about them; wondering what someone really thinks about you; imagining worst case scenarios; sense of urgency; fear of rejection; feeling abandoned; feeling unworthy; sense of uncertainty about the future; checking someone’s social media frequently; sending a lot of texts; spontaneously breaking up with a partner if you perceive they may break up with you; repeatedly asking to be reassured about commitment in a relationship, and more. 

 Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

Fearful-avoidant attachment is characterized by high anxiety and high avoidance. How someone experiences this style will be very dependent on if they’re in a relationship or not, as folks with fearful-avoidant as their dominant style tend to avoid close relationships, but once in them present as highly anxious.

Characteristics of fearful-avoidant attachment can look like: self-judgmental thoughts; beliefs that others don’t want or support them; fantasizing about the ‘perfect’ partner who will prove them wrong about their beliefs; ruminating on past relationships or interactions with others for ‘proof’ of their worthiness/unworthiness; sense of urgency; fear or rejection; feeling unworthy; distrust of closeness; yearning for closeness; avoidance of own emotions; reliance on external validation; requiring consistent reassurance and communication; not asking for what you want; being overly accommodating, and more. 

Dismissing-Avoidant Attachment

Dismissing-avoidant attachment is characterized by high avoidance and low anxiety. Like fearful-avoidant, someone dominated by dismissing-avoidant style tends to avoid intimate relationships; but unlike their fearful companions, dismissing-avoidant folks remain somewhat unavailable once in a relationship.

Characteristics of dismissing-avoidant attachment can look like: believing you’re superior; judging “needy” people; having such high standards no one can meet them; isolating yourself; rigid self-sufficiency; emotional withdrawal; rejecting vulnerability in yourself and others; keeping secrets; fear of being controlled or dependant; status seeking, and more.

c/o giphy high standards

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment is characterized by low anxiety and low avoidance. Folks who are securely attached or who’ve earned secure attachment are able to expand toward connection and contract toward autonomy in a regulated way. 

Characteristics of secure attachment can look like: believing you have value; willingness to be kind to yourself; being able to be vulnerable with others; taking emotional risks; having close, intimate relationships; ability to re-regulate when distressed; trust in closeness, and more. 

Disorganized Attachment

Because disorganized attachment is, by definition, a combination of the above insecure attachment styles, the traits and characteristics of this attachment style can be a mix of the cognitive, emotional, and behavioral characteristics described under the other insecure styles. 

Takeaways

There’s a lot of buzz about attachment styles these days, for good reason. Tracking the traits and characteristics of your particular style can help you understand how your relational blueprint informs your experience of the intimate relationships in your life. Bringing mindful curiosity to this information and connecting to relationship values can allow you to build toward a sense of agency and maturity in your relationships. If that feels too difficult or activating for you, an attachment and relationship therapist can support you to move into more secure attachment through mindful change.