It’s likely that the idea of practicing safe sex has been preached to you at some point in your life, whether directly or indirectly from parents, caregivers, friends, the sex education system, or media including movies or TV shows. Scare tactics, such as sharing explicit images of STIs or stories of unwanted pregnancies, may have even been used to get this message across. Although we have received the message that safe sex is important, many of us are left confused and not knowing how to actually put this into practice or how to have conversations around this with a partner—let alone a new partner you’re meeting for the first time. So, any anxiety you may experience even thinking about having this conversation with someone makes complete sense! Let’s discuss some ways we can make the safe sex conversation with a new partner less awkward, and more comfortable.

Talk sooner rather than later

This may not be the answer you want to hear, but it is imperative that we have the safe sex conversation sooner rather than later… but also not too late. This topic should be discussed especially before there is any genital contact, but best before any sexual contact at all (this includes kissing, as this is a lower-risk means of contracting CMV, herpes, and syphilis). It’s best that we start this conversation before things start getting hot and heavy so we can bring our full rational, clear-headed selves to the discussion to ensure that we can confidently advocate for the health and boundaries of our own bodies. The safe sex talk is best to have in a lower-stakes space, such as during your restaurant or cafe date, on a walk, or even via video chat or text before meeting (this last option may also save you some time depending on how they respond and how you choose to proceed). Moral of the story: Ensure that you have this conversation ahead of time so that you can fully enjoy yourself and your new partner once the fun, steamy part comes.

Be cool and direct

Two crucial elements to ensuring this conversation goes as smoothly as possible is to be simultaneously straightforward and calm about it. A long, drawn-out monologue or explanation for your protection preferences is not necessary; rather, you can simply ask something like “do you have condoms with you?” or “I’m going to grab a condom real quick, is that cool with you?”. Questions like these also provide an opportunity to receive consent from your partner because it gives them the chance to say they are or are not interested, while also advocating for and protecting yourself too. Don’t forget that condoms are the only form of contraception that also prevents the spreading and contraction of STIs.

If you’re not using condoms and are having sex that could potentially lead to pregnancy, you can share or ask your partner directly about methods of birth control being used. And if there is not any, calmly and confidently let your partner know that you should use a condom. It could be helpful to carry condoms or your preferred method of contraceptives with you or to keep a stock at home so you don’t need to interrupt the mood to make a run to the local drug store. Protection and contraceptives are the crux of how we popularly define “safe sex”, and you and your new partner need to respect these choices to make the experience comfortable for you both.

Don’t be scared to ask about your partner’s recent sexual activity and latest test results*

It might feel strange to ask a new partner about the recent sex they may have had with other people, especially if you’re trying to seem “cool” and “not jealous” in the beginning stages of a relationship. However, this question will provide critical information to help you decide if they will be a safe partner for you.

It may be easier to start this part of the conversation by asking about their last STI test. For example, you can start by offering information about yourself, such as “I tested last on [date] and [results], when did you last test?” (if you are positive for an STI, let the partner know how you’re managing or treating it—it is critical that you are honest about your status with a new partner to reduce or eliminate possibility of transmission, and know that if you are positive, this is not a reflection of your value or worth). If you’ve had sex since your last test, you can add, “I’ve had [some/few/number] of partners since then, and we have used [types of contraceptive(s)].” Offering your own information in this way not only demonstrates your own maturity and confidence in having this discussion, but also sets the stage for your new partner to more comfortably mirror their respective information back to you.

If you and/or your new partner are unsure of your last testing date or have had multiple partners and/or unprotected sex since, you are more than allowed to request one or both of you to get tested before being intimate together to ensure you’ll both be fully comfortable and safe. Some folks even choose to include their last testing date and status on their dating app bios, which is another way to be straightforward as well as signal to potential partners that this conversation and topic is important to you. Again, asking this question isn’t crossing a line or being nosy; rather, it is about collecting crucial information needed to make your best and most-informed decision on how to stay safe and maintain the safety of others.

*This point is especially important for those entering or those who are in polyamorous or consensually non-monogamous relationships!

Remember that this conversation serves to keep your body AND relationship safe

Making the intentional effort to protect your sexual health by disclosing your own sexual history and inquiring about your partner’s status sends the message to them that you are a safe person to have these honest and vulnerable conversations with. Especially when brought up early in the relationship, discussing difficult topics such as safe sex and sexual health can strengthen the connection between partners and bring them closer. It is also an opportunity to display the strengths you have to offer as a partner: honesty, valuing health and safety, and the superpower of being both a responsible and sexy human. Once the steps have been taken to protect each other and you have both practiced being open and vulnerable throughout this conversation, then you have the opportunity to fully relax and enjoy your experience together.

~ Allison Colaianni, ALMFT

Playing it Safe: How to Talk About Safe Sex with a New Partner

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