Preparing for the holiday season is already overwhelming and stress-inducing as it is; now add into the picture the challenge of navigating holidays and planning traditions with partners each from a different faith or religious background. Gulp. Now add in children or placating family and in-laws with their own set of expectations into this mixed dynamic. Double gulp. How is everyone going to get their dreams, needs, and expectations met to ensure a happy holiday?

Interfaith relationships consist of partners with differing religious or spiritual backgrounds or belief systems. For example, one partner may be from a Catholic upbringing and the other is of a Jewish background. Or, one partner is Buddhist and another is Hindu. You get the idea. Given that 50% of relationships and 30% of marriages in the U.S. are interfaith as of 2015 (Murphy), these numbers have likely only increased since then as trends reveal that having spouses of the same faith are becoming increasingly less important to Americans over time.

Although interfaith relationships are becoming more common, navigating the holidays around these differences are not getting any easier. Parents and family might have difficulty embracing negotiated decisions you and your partner have made, fueling conflict and anger in all directions. Or, you and your partner may be finding yourselves frustrated at each other’s “stubbornness” as you try to find a compromise. Especially in these politically charged and tumultuous times, conflict over religious differences can make it challenging to stay true to your own personal truths while also staying loving and kind to your partner. So, here are some tips on how to more effectively manage conflicts that can come up around the holidays for interfaith couples.

1. Communicate respectfully and lovingly

As you and your partner work together to figure out holiday plans, remember to be a respectful and loving partner yourself, even when you disagree. If one partner shows up this way, it makes it a lot easier for the other partner to show up similarly which promotes a more effective conversation, as opposed to both parties coming at it from a place of defensiveness. At the end of the day, both of you want the same thing: a peaceful, connective, and festive holiday. You’re on the same team, even if you’re coming from different backgrounds. Difficulty dealing with this dilemma doesn't mean that your relationship is doomed; conflict is to be expected in every single relationship and can even bring people closer together.

2. Honor (and celebrate) the differences

It can be a tempting compromise to celebrate all the holidays in one combined celebration. Instead, if it is possible, resist homogenization by commemorating each holiday separately in order to ensure that the variations of your traditions and beliefs are sufficiently honored. Even if you can’t work out the scheduling for a second celebration, invite your partner to hear and learn about your traditions even if they can’t experience them. Share the deeper meaning behind certain rituals, why certain practices or items may feel particularly important to you, or if you have a long-standing vision or dream surrounding how you celebrate the holidays. You may find you have more similarities regarding this topic than you first thought. Handling these vulnerable conversations with gentleness will ultimately strengthen your emotional intimacy.

The differences between partners can be a significant element of what actually brings them together. However, we usually don’t acknowledge these distinctions unless a problem arises. Remind yourself of how these differences once attracted you to this person and likely reflect some of the things you value about them. Again, disagreements, including ones regarding religion or culture, don’t mean your relationship is failing or there is something wrong with you or your partner. In fact, successfully working through these differences can strengthen the interfaith relationship as a whole.

3. Create new traditions or rituals

Although planning new traditions can be challenging, it is also an incredible opportunity for you and your partner to co-create how you want to celebrate together. This may take several years to hone down as this process will likely require some experimentation each year, but work to find what works best for you and your family. Creating new rituals doesn't have to be complicated or even religious. It can be as simple as playing a certain game before or after dinner or watching a family-favorite festive movie. Maybe it can be mingling with the community after a religious service or volunteering. Find both religious and secular sources of joy you can incorporate into the celebratory season.

A common trap I’ve seen couples fall into when negotiating holiday traditions is when one partner says something like, “well, we always did it this way”. It’s important to communicate with your partner what is meaningful and important to you, but that doesn’t mean it is going to feel right to them. Explore ways to integrate your rituals with your partner’s if you can, such as serving different cultural dishes at the same meal. Be open to accepting your partner’s influence when coming to a compromise. Identify what each person’s core needs on the issue are, and areas in which each partner can be more flexible in order to honor both partners’ needs and dreams.

4. Anticipate and accept the tension

It’s very likely that as you navigate planning around the holidays with your partner, someone is going to get hurt or upset due to missing or rescheduling of previous traditions or plans. If you anticipate that new holiday traditions might disappoint or upset extended family, let them know well in advance and kindly ask for their support and understanding. Depending on your relationships with your family, you may need to consider if it is best to have these conversations with or without your partner present, or in-person versus on the phone. Work with your partner to manage these conversations or conflicts with family together. Ask your partner how they would like to be supported by you as they notify their family of new plans, or vice versa. Remember, creating holiday traditions that respect and honor everyone’s values is a very complicated task, there is no right or wrong way to do it, and you just can’t make everyone happy all the time.

Although easier said than done, keep in mind that amidst the chaos of holiday planning and navigating religious and cultural differences, you and your partner have the freedom to creatively collaborate on how you want your holiday traditions and end-of-year celebrations to look. You even have an opportunity to create reparative experiences for yourself, including your inner child, in how you want this festive time of year to feel for you. At the end of the day, the co-creation of holiday traditions between you and your partner is just a part of the unique culture and life you’re fostering together.

~ Allison Colaianni, ALMFT

Resouces:

Murphy, C. (2015). Interfaith marriages is common in the U.S., particularly among the recently wed. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2015/06/02/interfaith-marriage/

Navigating the Holidays in Interfaith Relationships

Services

Resources

company

contact

online therapy

location