Infidelity Repair: How to Embody Trustworthiness
In her book, Rebuilding Trust, Morgan Johnson LPC discusses how individuals who have engaged in intimate experiences outside of their relationship agreement, also known as 'involved partners', can work towards regaining trust and being seen as a safe person again. After a relationship ruptures, couples may feel unstable for a prolonged time, experiencing intense emotional highs and lows. The TRUSTED framework provides involved partners with a game plan for how they can take steps toward repairing and soothing the hurt partner’s relationship wounds. Here are some reflective questions to ask yourself if you are struggling to make meaningful and lasting repairs in your relationship:
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Take Care of Business
How do I show that I am a reliable and trustworthy person? What’re the concrete actionable steps that I can take to communicate this about myself? Action and time are the key factors in relational repair. How can I show up consistently and authentically to help my partner feel more at ease in our relationship?
Make Timely Repairs
How long does it usually take for my partner and I to make repairs when feelings have been hurt? If I notice that I am hurting my partner, what would it look like for me to check in and take steps to repair it quickly?
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Increase Understanding of Partner’s Internal World
What do I know about how my partner experiences the world? What do I still have to learn? What are the stories I tell myself when I think about my partner’s internal experience? How can I be more curious about my partner’s feelings?
Slow and Soften
How can I soothe my urgency to problem solve and have this relational rupture put “behind us”? How can I communicate to my partner that there is no rush in our healing process and that I want to take the time that it requires to fully repair our union?
Turn Towards Bids for Connection
In what ways does my partner try to connect with me emotionally? Do I notice when they initiate these bids for connection? When I notice that they want to connect, do I turn towards them and try to facilitate an experience of closeness?
Increase Empathy and Make Room for Remorse
What’s my experience of putting myself in my partner’s shoes? Is it hard for me to tap into how hurt they are? Are there any barriers to sitting in my partner’s feelings alongside them? What would it take for me to be able to access this empathic side of myself?
Decrease Defensiveness
Notice when you start becoming defensive of your actions, choices, and experiences. What’re the events that lead up to an experience of defensiveness? Can you take steps to monitor the impulse to defend and choose to embrace humility instead?
Healing from relational ruptures takes consistent time, effort, and active partners who want to heal their relationship. Focusing on the actions and behaviors that represent your remorse is the key to a lasting repair that creates the pathway forward.