How a Post-It Can Add Playfulness to Your Relationship
After you’ve been dating your partner(s) for an extended period of time, you may be trying to find new ways of connecting with them. In long-term relationships, it is normal to experience shifts in how you connect with your partner(s) over time. You may have even grown to take what initially attracted you to them for granted (whether anyone’s egos would like us to admit that or not), resulting in less words of affirmation and appreciation than there may have once been. Or, maybe you’re experiencing a sense of boredom in your current relationship due to a lack of novelty or sharing too many similarities with your partner(s). If any of this resonates with you, don’t feel guilty for it! These are the natural ebbs and flows of intimate relationships.
c/o giphy: boredom
Whatever shift you’re currently experiencing, it may be time to consider introducing playfulness in your relationship(s). Integrating play and playfulness into adult relationships is a fantastic way to bolster attraction and connection between partners. Our capitalistic culture has shaped how we believe adults “should” act and what adult relationships “should” look like, and, as a result, has stripped away adults’ human inclination to engage in play--and their mental wellbeing and relationships suffer because of it.
There is plenty of research supporting the notion that playfulness is important in how people initiate and engage in their romantic relationships, for both younger and older couples, and that playfulness is even positively associated with relationship satisfaction (Brauer et al., 2021). Specifically, playfulness can enhance relationships as a means of showing affection, building closeness, strengthening safe communication, and mediating conflict. Playfulness also communicates a sense of safety in your relationship as it is often a result of the partner’s “trust, mutual acceptance, priority of pleasure, freedom to be oneself, and deep valuing of the relationships” (Metz & McCarty, 2007; p. 360). This sense of safety and openness from playfulness translates over into the couple’s sex life as well, often leading to an interest in trying new things and increasing sexual satisfaction (Brauer et al., 2021). These are particularly important benefits for long-term relationships since that sense of boredom or waxing and waning of attraction is a very common, and often distressing, consequence of long-standing relationships.
If you’re looking for a new, lighthearted way to connect with your partner (and one that doesn't involve technology or screens!), consider introducing this simple yet playful “game” into your relationship(s):
Get out the post-its! (Yes, you’re reading this right. And don’t worry, we’re not about to get to work or write another to-do list.)
Write positive messages to your partner on these post-its. These can include compliments, admirations, words of affirmation, appreciations, invitations, whatever you’d like. Write something that you know would give them that warm, fuzzy feeling inside and make them smile. You can make as many positive post-its as you wish, one message per post-it.
While your partner is away, hide these post-its in places they’ll be surprised to find them. In various spots in their home, in their bag they always carry, around their office supplies, in their car, wherever you know they’ll find them!
When your partner tells you they found the hidden post-it, don’t be afraid to ask how it made them feel to come across your kind words. Then let them know there are x amount left to be found (or don’t say how many are left at all!). You can make a fun game out finding them!
c/o giphy: post it
That’s it! This game takes little time to set up and will be a sure way of putting a surprised smile on your partner’s face during a moment in time where you may not otherwise have had the opportunity.
You can be as creative with this idea as you’d like or create variations. If you’re going on a trip, for example, you could set up a ton of post-its before you leave town so that your partner still feels warm and connected with you even when you’re away. You and your partner can set up post-its for each other at the same time, you can color code them, whatever your naturally creative and playful mind desires! As a relational therapist, I’d encourage you to try out this game or consider other ways of integrating playfulness into your everyday lives with your partner(s), and observe how your feeling of connectedness and intimacy shifts in your mind and body.
~ Allison Colaianni, ALMFT