Friendship breakups hurt most because they are an ambiguous loss. Ambiguous loss is defined as when a person is physically present but psychologically absent (Alzheimer's, a checked-out partner or friend) OR when someone is psychologically present but physically gone (immigration stories, breakups). Humans like the completion of a story to be able to make meaning of difficult feelings. Feeling grief from death - knowing someone is gone from this world and coming to terms with that - is a lot different from feeling the loss of someone who sort of just disappears, where you haven't actually memorialized or represented that loss in a way that is meaningful.

Death and loss practices are so important for people because they allow our brain and spirit to make meaning of our story of interaction with someone. Things hurt differently when an important relationship ends and you know they're still walking around the world, engaging in relationships and meaningful experiences with others. We have dialogues about how to heal from breakups in romantic relationships, but we don't really talk about the friendship piece very often.

Friendship is something we're funneled into in childhood and are expected to figure out as we mature without much guidance. Often, people feel that they have to stay loyal to friends, even when that friendship is no longer serving them. The truth is, people grow apart. Think about yourself - are you the same person that you were five years ago, or even one year ago? Have you taken stock of your relationships and whether they are still a fit for you in this period of life? We take great care to evaluate our romantic relationships and communicate about them; do you do this in your friendships the same way?

Friendship loss hurts because friends are attachment figures as much as our caretakers and romantic partners are attachment figures. When combined with our cultural norm in the West of prioritizing our romantic relationships over other relationships in our lives and the idea of ambiguous loss, we're left with a lot of hurt to deal with on our own, and we are often left wondering about this person and the experiences that they're having in the world that we're not part of.

I believe the following are important when healing from a friendship breakup:

1. Have the breakup conversation if you can. It's really important to be able to say goodbye, honor the relationship that you had with a friend, and understand your boundaries and your friends' boundaries for the future. Are you allowed to keep following them on social media and say hello every once in a while, for instance, if a huge life event like a birth or a marriage occurs for your friend? How did this friendship serve you and shape you as a human, and how can you thank someone for that? This allows some completion to the relationship and helps with some of the ambiguity that is painful.

2. If you never see this person again, memorialize the relationship. Whether it be keeping a book they gave you as a gift, a piece of jewelry, a ticket from an event you attended, or some small token that represents them, it's important to have some sort of moralization of the loss, especially if it's a painful one. Once you've agreed upon that object with yourself, you can "lay it to rest" either in your direct site or out of sight. Humans love a ritual because it completes the story. Make yourself a ritual to memorialize what this friendship was or who you were specifically in that friendship and create a meaningful ending to that chapter of life.

3. Actually let yourself feel through the feels. Friendship loss is painful, more painful than the nonchalant attitude we hold about making friends makes room for. There are memories that you've shared, secrets that you've traded, maybe fantasies for future travel or experiences that you would have liked to bring your friend to. This loss is something that's important to let yourself be sad about.

4. Make new memories. We can't Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind our way out of painful memories of a person. The brain typically remembers everything that's ever happened to us, even if we don't know that we remember these experiences. The way to actually heal from pervasive painful memories is to make new ones. You went to a certain concert with your friend every summer? Start making new memories around that with someone that is meaningful to you. Associate that person with a certain neighborhood? Find a new reason to go to that neighborhood and make a new association. You're able to make new memories and associations, and this is a great way to soothe pain for ourselves.

5. Engage in friendship the way you would romantic relationships. After a friendship ends, it's really important to take stock of the pieces of the friendship you really loved so that you can find those relationship dynamics that are good for you again. We need to date our friends just as much as we date romantic partners. Someone doesn't have a place in our life just because we've bonded over a certain commonality. Be really intentional with the way you seek friendship and date your friends that create healthy relationship dynamics and add to your life.

How to Heal from a Friendship Breakup

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