Not unlike the topic of sex, many of us feel awkward and uncomfortable communicating directly about money in our most intimate relationships. Talking openly about finances is a skill just like anything else, and it takes effort and intention for us to build these muscles. In a study which observed the various issues that married couples tend to fight about, financial arguments were shown to be the single best predictor of divorce (Dew et al., 2012). It makes sense why this specific topic is delicate for couples! Each partner comes to the relationship with their own unique history and relationship with finances - and each partner will value money in a different way.

Early in a relationship, it can be helpful to discuss expectations and preferences for how you would ideally like to handle expenses, such as who will pay on dates. This is also a time to be curious about what value your partner places on money and how they choose to make financial decisions. A discrepancy in financial values isn’t necessarily a deal breaker in early relationships, but it can be helpful to understand how your values intersect and differ. As your relationship grows, it is likely that you will take on more responsibilities together, which will also come with shared financial commitments. Understanding what you each bring to the table in terms of income, credit scores, and debt, are vital pieces of information that are necessary to discuss openly. If there is a notable income or debt gap between the two of you, are you aligned in your expectations of how bills or unpaid labor will be handled? These conversations might be highly anticipated and nerve-wracking but carving out space for these topics often leaves couples feeling more aligned, connected, and proud of their relationship.

If you decide to share or combine finances to any extent, it can be helpful to identify a threshold for a “set spending limit”. This limit will be a number that both partners feel comfortable spending without first consulting their partner, and this limit will be unique to every partnership. As an example, if a couple decides that $200 is their set spending limit, if a purchase exceeds $200, it warrants a conversation to check in about whether this is a shared expense that both partners are comfortable with. In this example, expenses under $200 can be individually decided upon without consultation. If finances have been combined or shared to any extent in your relationship, it is recommended that both partners are involved in financial decision-making and understanding where their money is being allocated, to protect both partners in a worst-case scenario (end of the relationship, death, etc.) Secrecy and a lack of transparency in relation to shared finances can create a problematic power differential in your relationship which is a generally non-sexy and disconnected dynamic.

The ability to communicate about financial concerns and make sound financial decisions in your partnership is clearly an important part of being in a healthy relationship, but where do we begin? Drawing inspiration from John and Julie Gottman’s book, Eight Dates, we have identified some specific questions you can reflect on by yourself and with your partner to better understand what money means to you both. No matter what stage your relationship is in or how long you’ve been together, these questions will provide some inspiration for how you can better understand your partner’s financial perspective.

How would you describe your personal history and feelings about finances? As a child, what do you remember observing about your caregivers’ relationship to money?
How do you define the overall purpose of your career in your life? How did you choose the way that you make a living? How much influence did attaining a specific income have on your career selection?
What does the idea of “having enough money” mean to you? Are you working towards specific short and long-term financial goals?
How do you tend to approach financial stressors? Do you find yourself avoiding looking at bank transactions? Do you find yourself mentally ruminating on the stressors?
Are there any people in your life that you feel are “doing it right” regarding how they manage their finances? What stands out to you about how they engage with money?
What are your greatest hopes and fears around money?
Take a moment to share gratitude for your partner. What are 3 things that you appreciate about your partner’s contribution to the wealth of your relationship? (Think: unpaid and paid work)

It’s also important to know that the one type of work that causes the most distress in relationships is unpaid work. Couples often fight and disagree about the division of unpaid labor in the household (cleaning, laundry, cooking, dishes, etc.) Checking in with your partner on a regular basis to understand how they are feeling about the current division of unpaid labor in the household is a major predictor of general relational satisfaction.

References

Dew, J., Britt, S., & Huston, S. (2012). Examining the relationship between financial issues and divorce. Family Relations, 61(4), 615–628. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2012.00715.x

Gottman, J. M., Gottman, J. S., Abrams, D., & Abrams, R. C. (2019). Eight dates: Essential conversations for a lifetime of Love. Workman.

How to Talk About Money in Your Relationships… and Why It’s Worth It

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