Tools for Navigating Jealousy in Your Polyam Relationships

Jealousy is a natural emotion and expected challenge to experience in any type of intimate relationship structure, including polyamorous ones. In Part 1 of this blog post, I reviewed three new ways we can begin to conceptualize our experience of jealousy. First, by asking ourselves “WTF?”, or “what’s the function?” we can begin to understand what jealousy is trying to communicate to us about the state of your relationship. Second, considering sources of containment, or “how I know I am in an intimate partnership” can be an effective way of providing self-assurance and understanding your jealousy. Lastly, exploring if you can connect to compersion, or finding joy in your partner’s joy, can guide us to a new way of experiencing jealousy. Next, I’ll be reviewing different tools for your mind, body, and relationships to help you handle the intense, uncomfortable emotion of jealousy when it arises in the moment.

c/o giphy: relaxed

Tools for your mind

• Some people experience jealousy very cognitively, which means it can manifest as thought spiraling, rumination, inability to focus, etc. Here are some self-regulating tools to ease your mind:

  • Put your phone away: As humans, we are attuned to focus on threats. Constant exposure to social media and the news may hype up your similar feelings of fear, worry, and stress, even if the content is unrelated to your relationship. If you’re going to your phone for some comforting content or to talk with support systems, don’t scroll through your feed. Look up accounts or content specifically to avoid scrolling aimlessly or finding yourself obsessively checking on your partner(s) or who they’re with. 

  • Just the facts: Take a moment to objectively write out the situation with your emotions to the side, just as a reporter or scientist would. This allows you to help create some distance from the concern and de-catastrophize. 

  • Practice or pick up a new skill to learn: Find a constructive activity that may be calming or soothing to you. This can be something that’s brand new or something you’ve been learning for a long time. Focusing on learning a skill can help you distract yourself from the racing jealous thoughts. Finding an activity that involves your hands, such as crafts or an art project, can help you engage in a different way that will help you stay more focused on the task at hand, literally.

Tools for your body

• Some folks experience jealousy in physiological symptoms, such as an upset stomach, tight chest, muscle tension, shaking, or crying. This is because your body is in survival mode! If this is how you experience intense emotion, consider these specific tools to self-regulate:

• Movement or physical exercise: Let your body do what it is craving! If aggression or anger is coming up, it is okay to explore this. We just need to be intentional that we are finding ways to contain and express our anger or frustration in alternative, safe ways such as exercise.

• Find a way to laugh: Laughter is a way we indicate that we are safe. Look up specific content you find humorous online, or reach out to your friend who never fails to make you laugh or smile. It can be hard to want to laugh in the moment when you’re feeling intense jealousy or stress, but you may find that once you let yourself into the content that makes you giggle that you might let yourself laugh anyway, and this can create a feedback loop toward feeling more safe and okay. 

• Humming, singing, or “oming”: Humming generates more nitric oxide in our body to reduce blood pressure. It also stimulates the vagus nerve, thus triggering the parasympathetic nervous system to bring us back down from survival mode. These tricks can also improve our heart rate variability and our ability to control it in times of stress.

c/o giphy: exercise

Tools for relationships

• It is important to remember that humans did not evolve to be alone or handle scary, intense feelings alone either. We have evolved to where we are today through relationships with others and ourselves, AKA co-regulating and self-regulating. Here are some co-regulation tools that can help ease your experience of jealousy:

• Pay it forward: In moments when we’re feeling the most jealous or even sorry for ourselves, reach out to someone to express gratitude, love, and positivity. This can be another partner, friend, family member, whoever! This doesn't have to be a deep and profound monologue, this can be short, sweet, and simple–whatever feels natural to you. By connecting with others and expressing positivity, we can combat the feelings of loneliness that often accompany jealousy.

• Make your own social plans: If you know your partner is going out with a metamour or other partner ahead of time, you may anticipate that you’ll be having a challenging time while they’re out with this other person. Make your own plans with a friend or other partner so that you’re not just stuck at home alone to ruminate and spiral in your own thoughts. Avoid matching one-for-one with your partner. For example, if they’re going out for drinks and dancing, you don’t also need to go out for drinks and dancing. Find something different to do–even just staying in watching a movie with another person you enjoy can be just as effective.

• Write a letter to your uncomfortable partner and have them keep it close: Especially if jealousy is a frequent challenge in your polyam relationship, have partner(s) write a letter to the person who is experiencing the uncomfortable feelings. The struggling partner will carry this letter in their wallet, or have a picture of it saved in their “favorites” photos on their phone so it can be easily found. This letter should specifically address the negative thought spiral your partner experiences to provide reassurance and a sense of security. However, the partner who is experiencing jealousy needs to want to regulate emotions when reading this letter to be successful–as opposed to reading it to get even more angry with them.

c/o giphy: write a letter

If you’re someone who experiences jealousy in your polyam relationship, you should not feel defeated by this as it’s a typical experience in all relationship structures. At the end of the day, remember that you are not a “jealous person”. You are a person who experiences jealousy just like any other human and that does not define your entire being as a partner. Although the pain can feel excruciating, you are now equipped with some tools on how to handle it. If jealousy is becoming an overwhelmingly dysfunctional dynamic in your polyam relationship, consider seeking relational therapy with a polyam-informed and -positive therapist. 

~ Allison Colaianni, ALMFT

*You likely often see or hear the abbreviation “poly” in literature about polyamory; however I am using the abbreviation “polyam” to respect and differentiate from the name of Poly people of Polynesia.