Feeling Jealous in Polyam Relationships? Do this.
When talking about polyamory or consensual non-monogamy (CNM) with clients, friends, and family, the most common knee-jerk response I often hear is, “oh I could never do that, I’m too jealous,” or “I wouldn’t be able to deal with the jealousy of sharing partners”. These initial responses make complete sense given that we live in a society that sees love as a finite resource or a limited commodity. After all, it is human nature to compare ourselves to others. Yet, at the same time, it’s normative in our culture to think of the expansion of love as valid and acceptable when it comes to family or children… So why can’t this concept apply to multiple partners as well? Although polyam* folks view love as expansive and, according to research, that non-monogamous relationship structures can be just as healthy and securely attached as any other group, jealousy is a completely normal experience and an expected challenge of these types of relationships. This dynamic makes it critical for folks in polyamorous or CNM relationships (hierarchical or otherwise) to have open dialogues with partners and themselves, especially early on when we are NOT actively in a jealous or intense emotional state, about how jealousy will be discussed and managed.
c/o giphy: jealous
Here are some tips on how to conceptualize and handle jealousy when it arises:
First thing’s first, ask yourself, “WTF?”
Jealousy is a valid experience stemming from sensory feedback from outside stimuli, just like any other emotion. Emotions serve an incredible function in that they communicate important information to our brain and body. So, next time you’re experiencing jealousy, loneliness, anxiety or any other negative emotion, ask yourself, “WTF?” or “what’s the function?” before pushing it away.
c/o giphy: wtf
Oftentimes, feeling jealous is really your emotions communicating to you that some need isn’t being met. For example, you may be tempted to tell one of your partners, “I don’t want you sleeping over with other partners because I will feel jealous”. Pause and consider if placing this rule or boundary will really mean your need will be met. What’s deeper or underneath this jealousy? Maybe the real need here is more non-distracted quality time with your partner, or needing to hear more words of affirmation or reassurance.
Consider containment: How do you know you and your partner(s) are a couple/triad/quad, etc?
Containment is the idea that “this is how we know we’re an intimate partnership.” Reminding ourselves of the containment we experience in our partnerships can be a helpful tool in combating jealousy via self-regulation and reassuring ourselves. Here are some examples of sources of containment (Smith, 2015):
Shared financial or household responsibilities
Recognition of relationship by family
Raising a child or children together
Legal recognition
Some sort of sexual exclusivity
Deliberate separation or avoidance of emotional bonds with outside partners
In addition to self-reassurance, reflecting on containment can help us better understand our jealous feelings. Consider how you and your partner(s) produce containment and how it's been impacted or evolved over time. How has your sense of containment changed or shifted recently, and could this have potentially been the catalyst of jealous feelings?
Can you connect to compersion?
People often describe compersion as the opposite of jealousy. Compersion can be defined as the experience of joy from seeing your partner experiencing joy, or positive emotions directed at our partner’s metamour or other relationship. It can even be defined as eroticizing our partner’s connection with others. The experience of compersion can feel like joy, pride and validation, contentment, excitement, love, and so on. Compersion is a sophisticated state to reach, and it requires great mindfulness and intentionality since this isn’t something that comes naturally to us as humans. Ask yourself, “what is it that I want to experience? And how can I allow myself to experience that?”
Now that we’ve considered the function of our jealousy and if we can connect to the concepts of containment and/or compersion in our relationships, it is possible that those uncomfortable feelings are still lingering. Stay tuned for Part 2 of this blog, where I will be sharing tools for you mind, body, and relationships for handling the intense experience of jealousy in polyamorous (or monogamous!) relationships.
~ Allison Colaianni, ALMFT
*You likely often see or hear the abbreviation “poly” in literature about polyamory; however I am using the abbreviation “polyam” to respect and differentiate from the name of Poly people of Polynesia.