It’s Not About Sexual Frequency

Many of the mismatched desire couples that I work with come to couples therapy with specific data on how often they’re currently having sex and how often one of the partners wants to be having sex. This might sound like, “Right now, we have sex once every 6 weeks. It’s important to me that we have sex at least once a week.” There is often a pointed focus on the frequency of sex which stems from the idea that if we were having sex more times throughout the month, this frustration and pain would go away. In reality, the problem and solution are far more nuanced than a specific number of sexual interactions.

c/o giphy: calendar

In a mismatched desire dynamic, the higher desire partner often feels unwanted, unheard, and at the mercy of their partner’s desire. The lower desire partner often feels guilty, pressured, and burnt out. It’s an arduous and isolating dance that affects almost all couples at some point in their relationship.

One of the most connective parts of partnered sex is an involved, aroused and present partner. We want to know that the person we are having sex with is excited and open to enjoying this experience with us - we want to feel wanted. It’s easy to think, “If only we were having more sex, I’d be happy”, but in reality, the rule of quality vs. quantity, applies to sex as well. Sex is more than a mechanical act, it is a sensual, playful, erotic experience that we get to share with another person. The key to a satisfying sexual relationship is both partners actively working to facilitate pleasure-oriented connection, which might include intercourse and orgasm. Couples can often benefit from a broader and more flexible approach. If you’re currently navigating a mismatched desire dynamic, challenge yourself to pause the running tally of “how long it’s been” and think about how you really want to feel in this sexual relationship. How can you and your partner facilitate experiences that center mutual pleasure, deepened connection, and work together as an intimate sexual team? How can you both prioritize this part of your relationship so it doesn’t become another task on the to-do list, but rather an immersive and enjoyable collaboration? 

c/o giphy: connected

I can tell that the process of therapy is going well when I notice that couples start shifting their focus from frequency to checking in with themselves about the quality of their sexual experiences and how connected they feel to their partner. A common remark that I hear from the clients that I work with is that they’ve noticed themselves “stop counting” the number of times that they have or hadn’t had sex in the past few weeks, because their emotional and physical needs are being met and they are feeling far more connected to their partner. In the end, the frequency doesn’t seem to matter as much as we once thought it did.