Why You Should Go To Couples Therapy
Floating the idea of relationship therapy to your significant other(s) is a vulnerable thing to do! One of the first things I communicate to the clients that I work with is that I want them to feel proud for taking the step of beginning this work. Seeking out relationship therapy is a way of embodying, “Our relationship matters. We matter. We deserve to prioritize this process. We deserve to work towards the relationship that we’ve always wanted to have.”
c/o giphy: therapy
Amongst various social circles today, it’s becoming more common to disclose and discuss that you are in individual therapy. Unfortunately, seeking out relationship therapy often feels less liberating for people and is seen as a sign that things in the relationship have gone south. Seeking out sex therapy? Even worse! Somewhere along the way we’ve picked up the message that we should independently know how to thrive in our relational and sexual lives. I’d like to offer a different perspective that will hopefully encourage you to reach out for therapy early in your relational struggles so that we can address the issues and get things back on track.
Seeking out relationship therapy is a sign that you care about your relationship AND you understand that none of us are born knowing how to effectively show up in our most intimate relationships. These are skills we must learn, and it takes time, effort, and energy to do so. You don’t have to wait until your relationship is on the rocks to seek out professional support, in fact, it’s so much better if you don’t. Patterns of conflict and unrest in a relationship do not go away on their own. If your partner has been braving enough to float the idea of relationship therapy to you, please take them up on it. Ideally, the first time they ask.
If you are needing guidance on how to introduce the idea of relationship therapy to your partner, consider the four steps below:
Strike When the Iron is Cold
Introduce the concept when you two are having a connective and emotionally stable experience together. Carve out some time together and be intentional about how you bring up the idea. Although it can be tempting to throw out relationship therapy as a suggestion in the middle of an argument, you’re unlikely to get the response you are hoping for.
Ask for Consent
Check in about your partner’s capacity to have this conversation and ask for their consent with moving forward. You can ask, “I’m hoping to have a conversation about what feels important to me about our relationship. Do you have the capacity right now to talk?” If you know that your partner appreciates more of a heads up for important conversations, you can ask them to set aside time a few days from now.
Work Towards a Shared Understanding
Discuss what your personal goals would be for relationship therapy. Does your partner agree with your goals? How do they see things differently? What comes up for you both when you think about the idea of seeking out relationship therapy? Do you know anyone in your lives who has been in relationship therapy? Discuss where you individually feel like your relationship is and where you are wanting to go. These conversations usually go best if you can focus on what you individually are hoping to learn about yourself to become a better partner in this relationship. Focus on the only thing you have control over: your own behavior and actions.
Connect with a Therapist Who is a Good Fit
Discuss with your partner any questions you both have for the clinician about the process/their clinical style. What feels important to you? What do you want the clinician to know? Take some time to share gratitude for your relationship and your mutual desire to evolve and connect in a deeper way. You’re doing the damn thing!
Our most intimate relationships reflect the overall quality of our lives. You deserve to do the work that is required to have fulfilling and deeply connective relationships. I hope you can take the leap to prioritize your relationship in this vulnerable and brave way.
c/o giphy: happy couple