Are The Four Horsemen Crowding Your Relationship?
In the early 1980’s Drs. Julie and John Gottman created a research facility called the “Love Lab” which observed couples in real time to track and understand their interactions. One of the most profound discoveries of their research was “The Four Horsemen,” which are communication patterns that predict the end of a relationship if they’re not addressed. Below are examples of the Four Horsemen and the antidotes to these communication missteps.
c/o giphy: observing
Criticism
Attacks about your partner’s character or who they are as an individual. This is different from addressing a complaint because you are making a remark about your partner’s core self, rather than a single behavior or issue. Example: “I see that you only made lunch for yourself and not me. You are truly so selfish and never think about how you can make things easier for me.”
The antidote: Avoid statements starting with “You” and stick to describing your own feelings/needs. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt and communicate what shifts you are needing to happen in the relationship.
Contempt
Research shows that contempt is the behavior which is hardest to recover from. When we express contempt towards our partner, we’re showing disrespect, disgust, and hostility towards them. Examples of this might be name-calling, sarcasm, eye-rolling or belittling their circumstances.
The antidote: Look for the “good” in your partner and express that to them as often as possible. Statements of gratitude, appreciation, and making your partner feeling valued go a long way.
Defensiveness
Responding to your partner’s concerns with excuses or shifting the blame. When we’re defensive, we are indirectly communicating that we don’t take our partners feelings or concerns seriously, and we cannot take responsibility for the role we played in the dynamic. Example: Partner A asks Partner B if they remembered to switch over the laundry. Partner B replies, “You know I had a crazy day at work. Why are these tasks always mine to follow through with? It’s not like you can’t get up and do it yourself.”
The antidote: Push yourself to understand the core concern of what your partner is expressing to you. Try to see if you can take responsibility for your part in the interaction and offer an apology for any unintentional wrongdoing.
Stonewalling
Withdrawing from an interaction by shutting down and ceasing to respond to your partner. Stonewalling is often a result of feeling emotionally flooded which happens when we have reached our capacity to stay present and calm in a situation. Examples of this might be turning away, acting busy with something else, ignoring your partner, or tuning out.
The antidote: Notice when you are reaching the point of being “flooded” and engage in self-soothing behaviors. Take a break from the interaction and return when you are feeling more like yourself.
c/o giphy: ignoring
If one or more of these communication patterns resonate with you and your current relationship and you’re having a difficult time shifting gears with an antidote, relationship therapy can help. When we engage in behavior that resembles the tenets of the Four Horsemen, it is usually because we have different skills to communicate our core concerns. A relationship therapist can help you and your partner better understand each other’s stuck points and move forward with a deeper connection to each other.