CMR Guide: Using Sex Toys With A Partner
Introducing sex toys into a relationship undoubtedly builds trust and intimacy between partners. For many people, this incorporation of sexual tools is one of the most vulnerable things they can do with a partner. This process allows and encourages you to talk *and hear about* about your and your partner’s erotic preferences, dilemmas, fantasies, and needs together - an experience that takes some vulnerability and getting used to. Communication, sexual satisfaction, and truly knowing your partner are all things that will be engaged in and enhanced if you decide to introduce this into your relationship. Furthermore, sex toys are also a great way to add excitement and variety to a relationship, which many of us are looking for in long-term relationships where we feel we already know all there is to know about our partners (I don’t think we ever know all there is to know about our partner). Learning more about each others’ bodies and what feels pleasurable is essential to a life fully lived (seriously, can you imagine getting to the end of your long-term relationship together and not knowing the most intimate parts of your partner because it was too vulnerable to discuss?).
c/o giphy: sex toys
Different Toys and Their Functions
There are many different types of sex toys, each with their own unique functions. Here are a few examples:
Vibrators: designed to provide vibration and stimulation to the body; come in a wide variety of shapes and sizes; can be used internally, externally, or both!
Dildos: typically designed for penetration (internal stimulation) and can come in a variety of shapes and sizes; some designed to look and feel like a real penis, some as other animals (dragons, horses), and some just phallic and cylindrical
Butt plugs: designed to be inserted into the anus and provide stimulation to the rectal area, as well as help prepare the anus for penetrative intercourse
Kegel balls: small, weighted balls that are designed to be inserted into the vagina to help strengthen the pelvic floor muscles, allowing for stronger orgasm contractions; can help increase pleasure sensations in solo or partnered play
Cock rings: designed to be worn around the base of the penis to help maintain an erection (keeps blood in the penis, which is a porous organ) and provides additional stimulation to the genitals (making them very sensitive with and/or without vibration); can be silicone or metal, some vibrate and some don’t
Other types of sex toys include anal beads, prostate massagers, nipple clamps, violet wands, etc. Each type of sex toy has its own purpose and can provide a unique sensation, allowing you to cater to your sexual preferences. Some standout toys are listed here in CMR’s Guide to Sex Toys (check out Rocks Off Ruby Glow and the Oh Nut!).
Shopping for Sex Toys Together
It’s important to do your research before purchasing a toy, utilizing reviews, product descriptions, and even asking friends about what they enjoy toy-wise in order to meet your pleasure sensation needs; sex toys cannot be returned for the most part. I’d recommend considering factors such as size, shape, features, and material (friendly reminder that we cannot use silicone toys with silicone lubricants, as the lube will degrade the material of the toy over time). Some people want more or less stimulation of a certain type, so you’ll want to be able to describe this to yourself (and a partner if you’re partnered!) in order to know how to be mindful about choosing a toy that does the job.
If you have access to wonderful stores like The Pleasure Chest and Early to Bed where they have classes on different topics (and often discounts off of merch!) - I highly recommend starting there. They try to have informed professionals to help educate customers on toys and usage, help them be comfortable and curious, and help them find the right fit for most any sensation or ability status (remember, we become differently abled as we age). You’ll also want to be able to consider pricing - sex toys are an investment sometimes. Pricing varies depending on materials used, branding, and the type of toy itself.
Finally, it’s important to also have boundaries when shopping for a sex toy - know your sexual values, needs, and beliefs. Don’t allow yourself to be pressured into buying something you’re mostly unsure about. Don’t rush the process.
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How to Use Sex Toys Together
Watch together: TV is honestly such a great tool nowadays! The Principles of Pleasure on Netflix, for instance, is a powerful manifesto about pleasure! There is such great, sexy media being produced. Pick anything that gets you going and start discussing with your partner what was hot and why. If the sex toy conversation feels too vulnerable, you can start with something a little lower risk.
Listen together: Same for podcasts! Dipsea and Quinn are erotic storytelling apps that are sure to have some fuel for use of manual stimulation and toys. Podcasts galore on this topic, too!
Surf together: OMGYes.com has an entire dedicated course on pleasure with sex toys for vulva/vagina owners. Surfing the internet and reading/learning about others’ sexual preferences is a great way to broach this conversation, taking some of the risk of talking about yourself vulnerably down with practice about others first.
Learn together: Buy a book such as Come As You Are, She Comes First, Guide to Getting It On, The Pegging Book and read it together. Even investing in the good old The Joy of Sex, going through and using it as discussion content between you and your partner is useful.
Play together: Highly recommend Perel’s Where Should We Begin? card game!!! It’s got a whole section of sexuality-based questions and prompts to make the decision for you about what to talk about. Perel also has a downloadable and free list of Sexuality Conversation Starters, and you can find other versions of sexual communication guides at sex and relationship therapy practices like Chicago’s Center for Modern Relationships as well :)
In summary, if it feels too vulnerable to bring up the conversation, use media and your natural creativity to create context to unpack sexuality as a topic, then start bringing yourselves and your own sexual preferences into it. It can also be helpful to emphasize that introducing sex toys into your sexual repertoire is not a replacement for your partner, but rather a way to explore your sexual experiences and all the roads that lead to pleasure together. It's important to be patient with this conversation - most of us don’t suddenly become great at talking about sex overnight. Be sure to listen to one another’s perspectives, ask thoughtful open-ended questions, and try not to yuck someone’s yum.