So You Want to Play with Power - Part I
“Kink'' is a broad umbrella term used to describe “unconventional” sexual practices, concepts, or fantasies, such as BDSM (bondage, dominance, sadism, masochism), fetishism, voyeurism and/or exhibitionism, group play, erotic role play, power play, deriving pleasure from inanimate objects — the list goes on and on. The use of the terms “unconventional” or “beyond the mainstream” in the definition of kink is a bit ironic given that, according to the sex toy brand EdenFantasy’s national survey, over ⅓ (36%) of Americans identify as having a specific kink or fetish and that over ¼ (27%) of Americans in a relationship have a sex act in mind that they want to introduce to their partner, but haven’t. Sounds fairly conventional and common to me! So if you’re looking to bring some kinkiness into your relationship or sex life, you’re definitely not alone and there’s a good chance your partner has considered it at some point, too.
“Power play” or “power exchange”, a type of kinky play in which one partner submits to another who is dominant, is the most common feature amongst the never ending list of kinks and is usually discussed in the BDSM context. Again, it may be more common than you think as over ⅔ of Americans have fantasized about BDSM at some point in their lives. Power play can, but does not have to, incorporate the other elements like S&M (sadism and masochism). The beauty of kink is that it is purely under your design–what you want it to look like is completely up to you and your partner’s desires. Whether your desired dynamic is the more general “Top/bottom” that just stays in the bedroom, or the more clearly defined “Master/slave” or “Caregiver/little” roles that can be incorporated into daily life as well, let’s talk about what we need to know so that we can responsibly and confidently introduce your interest in power play to your partner.
c/o giphy: kink
1. Recognize the benefits
One thing you’ll often hear from both newer and well-seasoned folks who have been practicing power play is that power exchange isn’t just about the sex. Yes, that can be a significant part of the appeal (note: kink in general does not always equal sex), but the benefits extend beyond the physical pleasure or excitement in the moment. One of the biggest benefits is the closeness it facilitates between partners due to the immense vulnerability and trust it takes to give or receive one’s power over their pleasure given the inherent physical and/or psychological risk (e.g., possible injuries from the play or boundaries being crossed in a scene). Your interest in sharing this experience with a partner can be a telling sign of your level of trust and intimacy with this person or your investment in improving that with them and, in my opinion, would be quite a compliment.
If you’re able to stay out of your own head during a power play scene, it is a space where you can truly connect with your partner in a vulnerable way, indulge in your fantasies safe from judgment, provide some escapism from real world stressors, and create reparative experiences for yourself. For example, if you identify as someone living a fast-paced life with a high-stress job, leaning into being a sub can give you the opportunity to let go of responsibility (as long as you’re meeting the orders of your Dom, of course) and let someone else take control, which can be incredibly relieving.
Here are 5 pleasures that power play participants can experience (Kerner, 2021, p. 82):
Giving up control can be very sexy
You can feel power in the bedroom in ways that are impossible to arrange in daily life
Dark emotions can energize eroticism
Kink is often a “trust fall”, and it feels good, safe, intimate to be accepted and cared for in ways that don’t readily happen in day-to-day life
Sometimes, transcendence can be found through pain, stress, and privation, even if on the surface those experiences are unpleasant
2. Understand the foundations
In the BDSM community or literature, you may have come across the acronyms RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink) or SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual), which serve as frameworks for BDSM negotiation, or a collaborative agreement on roles, bounds of play, or a scene. An alternative framework has been developed more recently by Williams and colleagues (2014) which is referred to as the 4 C’s (Caring, Communication, Consent, and Caution). Let’s review what each “C” means:
Caring – Practice caring attitudes and behaviors can help create more trust, safety, and respect.
Communication – Good communication is critical in negotiating limits or setting boundaries within power exchange relationships and BDSM scenes. Communication before, during, and after a scene is beneficial because it not only helps to keep us safe but can also increase knowledge, caring, and intimacy, which allows people to feel safe to explore “edgier” or even “more taboo” forms of play that might complicate consent, such as consensual non-consent (CNC), or consensually choreographed forced sex or rape scenes. Strong communication is key in expressing consent (or lack thereof).
It’s also important to communicate our desires clearly, which I recognize is easier said than done! However, if you don’t take the leap to express your desires or ask for what you want, then you will never get it and never know if your partner potentially aligns with your wishes. Thoroughly discussing what you do want AND what you definitely don’t want are both important here.
Consent – Consider the 3 levels of consent:
Surface consent: “no means no” and “yes means yes” – how you would respond to initial interest in engaging in power play or BDSM
Scene consent: negotiating roles*, what will occur in the scene, how the sub/bottom will communicate withdrawing consent during a scene, such as the use of a safe-word or nonverbal signal
Deep consent: an ambiguous level in which the sub/bottom may not be in a mental capacity to use the safe word or communicate consent
Caution – Risk and safety levels for specific BDSM or power exchange activities can vary greatly, but one must be aware of the risk, possibility of danger, and need to proceed carefully and responsibly.
c/o giphy: safety
*If the sub/bottom identifies as or wants to practice being “bratty”, it is important to communicate this to the Dom/Top in some way so that the lines of consent don’t get too blurry. For some brats or other sub dynamics, “yes” may mean “no” and “no” may mean “yes”. You can probably see how this might get confusing for the Dom or Brat tamer! Get creative in planning and agreeing on how you will differentiate between the “hard yes/no” and “bratty yes/no” in the heat of the moment.
Now that we have a basic understanding of the benefits (beyond the exhilarating sex) and foundations of power exchange, it’s time to figure out what this looks like in practice. Stay tuned for Part 2 of this blog, where I will be sharing tips and tools on negotiating scenes or boundaries with a power play partner, pacing, and aftercare.
~ Allison Colaianni, ALMFT