In the first part of this blog post, I introduced some of the basics of kinky power play (if you’re looking to learn more about power play in a sports context, like hockey, you may be on the wrong website). I briefly reviewed some of the benefits beyond the play or sex itself, which was by no means an exhaustive list, as well as some of the conceptual foundations of practicing power exchange and other kink responsibly (i.e. the 4 C’s: Caring, Communication, Consent, Caution). Let’s dig a bit deeper into what responsible power play looks like in practice.

1. Sharpen up your negotiation skills

Negotiation is all about deciding what you and your partner(s) would like to do together, whether it be specifying what everyone would like a power play scene to look like in the bedroom, or compromising on rules and agreements for a more encompassing total power exchange (TPE) relationship dynamic (more on the difference between these two later). Maybe the word “negotiation” doesn't sound like the sexiest or most exciting thing when you first hear it, but negotiation is the crux of consensual BDSM and kink play as it serves to maintain the physical, psychological, and interpersonal safety of all parties involved. However, this doesn't need to be a scary conversation. Negotiation, whether done in a conversation over a meal or over text, can feel similar to flirting, dirty talk, or foreplay. As Ian Kerner (2021) beautifully writes, in even discussing themes you’d both like to explore “you are allowing yourselves to temporarily shed real-life identities and enter into an alternate erotic space in which subversive, transgressive parts of your personality are invited to come out and play” (p. 80). It is best practice to negotiate before any play begins so that you can ensure you’re in a clear headspace to advocate for exactly what you desire and need, as well as what you don’t want. Although it can be difficult, try not to get too lost in the details and logistics, and focus on the connection, vulnerability, and intimacy between you and your partner during negotiation in and of itself.

What needs to be negotiated depends on the unique needs and preferences of each partner as well as the level of intricacy in any given dynamic or scene. Here are a few things to consider for any relationship dynamic or scene:

Are there specific roles or names you’d like to use? Don’t be afraid to ask your partner how they’d like to be called or referred to. Some folks may like using some roles or nicknames only under certain circumstances, while others can be more universal. Be sure to understand what everyone is and is not comfortable with, especially since some roles or names can be triggering to a person for any number of reasons. Here are some classic power exchange dynamics to consider or get inspiration flowing (another non-exhaustive list!):

Dominant // submissive
Brat tamer // brat
Master or Mistress // slave
Rigger // rope bunny
Daddy, Mommy, or Caregiver // little, or baby
Owner // pet, puppy, kitty, etc.
Predator // prey

What’s the tone you’re looking for? Are you looking for a sweet, caregiving dynamic with the added spice of some light bondage or impact play? Maybe you’re fantasizing about living out an intense discipline scene, or one in which you provide or receive great humiliation. Whatever it may be, make sure you and your partner(s) come to an agreement or understanding to avoid inevitable disappointment or surprise when you begin to play and realize you’re not on the same page. Note that just because partners may agree on a specific role, that does not mean it is safe to assume they agree on the tone of that dynamic as well. For example, Owner/pet could be caregiving, disciplinary, or anywhere in between.
What are your preferences and limits? I’d encourage each partner to create a yes/no/maybe list or complete another kink inventory to get clear and specific about what they do and do not like. Equally, if not more, important than understanding preferences and yeses is being clear on the nos and maybes, or hard and soft limits. For instance, someone may label leaving visible marks or bruises as a “no” or “hard limit”. The same person can label impact play as a “maybe” or “soft limit”, which may look like a “yes” if it involves someone’s hands or a “no” if it involves certain toys or tools they don’t like (this may even include the materials they’re made of). That being said, toys and tools used during a scene should be negotiated as well.
What safewords are needed? The traffic signal system is a very common one (green for yes/more, yellow for slow down or check in, red for stop right away). Create unique code words or signals that you can both remember, including for instances where verbal speaking is limited due to use of a gag or being in a loud room, or non-verbal signals are limited due to being bound or tied up. Get clever and creative in what makes the most sense for you and your co-created scene.
Is sex a part of the kink? It is important to note that kink does not always equal sex. A kinky scene can include sexual behaviors or intercourse, but it does not have to. “Kink doesn't privilege sex; kink privileges erotic play” (Kerner, 2021, p. 80). Make sure you and your partner(s) are on the same page about what you’re looking for from the scene or dynamic.

2. Ease into things

Pacing is critical whether you are just beginning to explore power play for the first time, playing with a new partner, or are a well-seasoned kinkster. Check in with your partner and yourself regularly along the way. Make sure that you not only trust your partner, but you also know you are in a space where you can trust yourself to give and receive power. For example, are you under the influence of substances that blur your ability to consent? Are you in a headspace making you vulnerable to potential psychological harm from this exchange? Can you trust that you know what you want and need in a power exchange separate from your partner’s wishes? Part of this process is to slow down and practice safely and cautiously before jumping into the deep end. By easing into things, we give ourselves an opportunity to check in with ourselves about our level of trust and comfort so that we can make the best informed decisions for ourselves before jumping into something we didn’t realize we weren’t quite ready for.

Another thing for kinksters to discuss in negotiation is the extent of which they want their power exchange to exist in and out of the bedroom. Power dynamics are generally talked about in two ways: “bedroom only” and “total power exchange” (TPE). Bedroom-only dynamics are Dom/sub relationships that only take these roles on at certain places/times (this doesn't mean literally only in the bedroom, by the way). TPE, in the strictest sense of the term, is when a submissive gives consent to a complete release of their power (within negotiated limits) to a Dominant, typically 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The sub can still have individuality and freedom in areas of their life that are valuable to them, such as their work or social lives. Although TPE can be a thrill and an incredibly bonding dynamic, it does involve significant trust and requires you to have a strong foundation with your partner that can likely only be built over time. Thus, entering a TPE relationship should not be taken lightly (or any extent of power exchange for that matter) and I’d recommend getting to know each other over an extended length of time before rushing into this type of power dynamic. It is incredibly natural in kink for time to be the determinant in building the trust needed for deeper experiences.

3. Discuss aftercare beforehand

Aftercare is the practice of spending time after a power play or any other BDSM/kink scene to check in on and address you and your partner’s needs. Since this type of play can be very intense emotionally, psychologically, and even physically, as injuries do happen, it’s incredibly important to take care of each other as you’re transitioning out of a very different and often euphoric headspace full of feel-good, high-inducing neurochemicals and endorphins (you may have heard of the terms “subdrop” or “Domdrop” to describe this). For some folks, aftercare can look like having a glass of water or snack, cuddles and blankets, or affirmations and check-ins. Some people may even need to be alone during this time to tend to and check in with themselves. The need for aftercare can range from very minimal after the moment to needing to be checked in on for up to a few days after the scene. Aftercare looks unique for everyone, so again, it’s best to discuss your needs around this beforehand to prevent any confusion or hurt in the moment if your aftercare styles don’t match.

As we are wrapping up this introduction to the foundations of power play in practice, remember to keep the 4 C’s in mind (Caring, Communication, Consent, Caution) when introducing elements of power exchange into your relationship with a partner, whether it be just for a single scene for experimentation or to be sustained throughout a long-term relationship. Be prepared for the sometimes frustrating experience of trying or exploring something new and being okay with it “not working” or “not going as planned”. The possibilities are endless when it comes to power play so you are bound to try things that don’t end up working for you in the long run. That is okay! These are not failures or reflective of your worth as a Dom or sub, but critical information to better understand your own sexuality and improve your sex and play moving forward.

~ Allison Colaianni, ALMFT

Power Play in Practice - Part II

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