Keeping Sex Pleasurable After 60
Research shows the folx having the most satisfying sex are in their 60’s and older.. Yep! We typically have our peak sexual experiences in midlife and beyond! Why? Because people who have the privilege of aging into their older adult years have lived to develop mature, erotic wisdom - about themselves and their partner(s). This information, exciting and hopeful as it is, is probably news to most of us due to the ageism bias that exists around sex and sexual expression, as well as the lack of sex and relationship education we get as we live life. Yes, your body and brain becomes differently abled as you age in all sorts of ways. No, actually, menopause hormone shifts, in and of themselves, don’t diminish desire (it’s more complicated and specific than that!). Long story short, sex takes intentionality, effort, and turning it into a practice for yourself, rather than just a thing you do. Aside from working on your intentionality and effort, here are important guidelines to remember about keeping sex pleasurable after 60:
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1. Ditch the linear thinking
First, I recommend you rethink the linear, "kissing > touching > clothes off > oral sex > PIV > orgasm," model of sex. Sometimes this is thought of as the “four bases” model. Instead of centering your sexual goalpost as orgasm (a recipe for disaster that is not always possible for everyone), you need to center pleasure. Pleasure is the measure of a great sexual experience. When you center pleasure, you can engage in, stop, pivot to, increase, and decrease taboo/risky sexual expressions and as long as it keeps pleasure centered, you're going to have a better, more connected, less anxiety-provoking sexual experience. It is an adult, mature skill to learn to value pleasure over orgasm and PIV intercourse. You have to learn to express yourself sexually in a way that considers your body, abilities, aches and pains, pleasure centers, and changing systems.
2. Get into your senses
Your senses are the most direct line to pleasure and engagement in sexual expression. Sex is about SO much more than just the act - humans have many reasons to be sexual! Sometimes you want to feel connected, or alive, or powerful, or submissive. Sometimes you want to resolve stress, repair trust, or show someone you love them. And sometimes just straight up have interest. Whatever reason you have sex, think about:
why you want it
what you want to feel (in your senses, as well as emotions)
how you want to engage with or show up for your partner(s)
why things feel pleasurable or not
what your favorite/most reliable/least comfortable or liked senses are
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Once you've noticed these motivations centered around senses, you'll have some options for those times when you’re needing inspiration or a reliable way to express yourself.
3. Seek community and education
Most folx in midlife didn't get a great sex education. Most of us got a sex education - usually from different community members and media - that was steeped in cultural mythology, patriarchal foundations, and straight up incorrect science. And most of us are left on our own to make sense of it alone, in our own minds and relationships. But there is safety and wisdom in numbers in this case. All of us have a lot of information about our bodies to learn - especially about how sexuality looks throughout the lifespan. For instance, did you know that certain lubricants (often needed by vagina owners in menopause) actually contribute to damaging and thinning the vaginal lining? Or that a penis is a porous organ and eats up moisture? Or that there are many educational resources, such as Come As You Areand Naked At Our Age that can help educate you properly? If you’re going to pick things up from community and culture, you might as well immerse yourself where you’re getting supportive information! So start talking to your friends or partner(s) if you’re comfortable. Find your local sex education meetups (if you’re in Chicago, check out Early to Bed and Pleasure Chest!), start a local book club, join a sexual health therapy group like The Pursuit of Pleasure, and start seeking community and getting yourself the sex education you’ve always deserved!
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