No More Mind-Reading: Using the Triforce of Communication to Get What You (or Your Partner) REALLY Need from Any Conversation

Do either of these scenarios sound familiar to you?:

1) You turn to your partner to discuss something that may be bothering you, and they respond in a way you weren’t hoping for, leaving you feeling more disappointed or frustrated than before turning to them; and/or

2) Your partner turns to you to discuss something that may be bothering them, you respond in the way that makes most sense to you, yet they’re disappointed or frustrated by your response, and you’re left confused and wondering, “what the heck did I do wrong?”

c/o giphy disappointed

This is one of the most common communication traps I see couples fall into, and it’s a pretty easy one to get stuck in! It can be confusing, hurtful, and distressing for both sides. If you’ve experienced this, it’s likely that you and your partner are in a cycle of assumptions, specifically about how one wants to receive help from the other; or you and your partner are expecting the other to have mind-reading superpowers about what is needed at any given moment. Of course no one can mind-read or respond “perfectly” to their partner 100% of the time, but it is incredibly important that we do our best to respond in the way they need in order to demonstrate that you are a secure and safe person to turn towards for help (attachment styles, anyone?!). 

But have no fear, the Triforce of Communication is here to help us more effectively navigate this challenging part of any relationship. Coined by the Multiamory podcast in 2016, the “triforce” aims to mitigate this confusion about how you’re “supposed” to respond by helping us name exactly what we’re looking for from any conversation. And yes, in case you were wondering, this is in fact a reference to the Legend of Zelda games. In the series, the Triforce is a relic that grants a wish to the person who touches it. Seems pretty fitting, huh? If we can’t mind-read, this sounds like a promising alternative.

Let’s break the triforce down into its three parts. Notice how the same topic (partner stressed about job promotion interview) is addressed, but that the specific triforce being used dictates the course and nature of the conversation to follow. 

c/o giphy Legend of Zelda

Triforce #1: Sharing or Being Heard - This can include sharing a story about something that happened in your life, what is going on for you at any given moment, or even just a simple update. Maybe you just need a good ol’ venting session without your partner’s input. You want to be heard and understood. One example of using this triforce might sound like, 

“I just want you to know that there is a big promotion at work I interviewed for that I’m waiting to hear back about. I don’t need or expect anything from you around this, but if you’re wondering why I’m acting a bit more on edge or anxious than usual, this is why and where it is coming from.”

Triforce #2: Seeking Support or Acknowledgment - This means you’re looking for some kind of emotional or psychological support, such as empathy, reassurance, understanding, validation, etc. without any advice. This can be for both negative and positive topics. For example, 

“I got a promotion at work that I’m really excited about, can you share in my excitement and tell me you’re proud of me?” Or,

“I didn’t get that promotion at work and am feeling really defeated about it, I would really like some reassurance and kindness around this.” 

Triforce #3: Seeking Advice or Problem-Solving - This includes looking for specific suggestions or even asking to work together to make a decision or plan. For example,

“I still haven’t heard back about any decision on my interview for that promotion. Do you think I should wait a bit longer or follow-up? What did you do when you were last in this situation?”

One of the beautiful parts of keeping this triforce in mind is that it still places the responsibility on both partners to identify the goal of the conversation. One partner may initiate a conversation without considering what they’re looking for from it beforehand. So if one partner turns to the other saying, “I’m really stressed about the interview for this promotion”, the listener has the opportunity to ask, “That does sound really stressful; how would you like me to support you as we talk about this? You could vent for a bit, I could hold you and reassure you, or we can talk about interview strategies to practice”. 

It is critical that both partners understand which part of the triforce they are communicating from at any time so that one doesn’t inadvertently invalidate the other’s experience. Imagine how hurtful it would be to turn toward your partner to process your stress through a validating and reassuring dialogue, and they automatically respond with, “go do 30 minutes of exercise, that’ll reduce the stress.” Jumping straight into problem-solving is the most common, and probably most harmful misassumption I see in couples. Our capitalistic society’s emphasis on productivity and solving problems as quickly/efficiently as possible, as well as the socialization of cis-men in particular to be the “fixer” and take extra responsibility, both point to why this feels so natural to lean into. But now, awareness of the triforce allows you to adjust and practice flexibility–a significant predictor of fulfillment in long term relationships.

I’d encourage you to practice speaking or listening from the Triforce of Communication lens at least once per day, and notice the opportunity it provides to bring partners closer together, as opposed to further apart.  

c/o giphy couple listening

-Allison Colaianni, ALMFT