4 Signs You're Not Sexually Attracted to your Partner & What to Do About it
Sexual attraction is an important part of your romantic relationships. It's also something that can wax and wane over time. While this is a common experience for many couples, it can still feel distressing and confusing.
As sexuality experts, we've worked with countless couples who have struggled with attraction loss in their relationships. We've also witnessed what's possible for your relationship after participating in couples and sex therapy. If this is something you're experiencing in your relationship, there are tangible steps you can take to bring back attraction in your relationship, which we will outline below.
4 key signs of waning sexual attraction
While there are several signs that you might be experiencing a loss of attraction to your partner, there are a few key signs that are commonly felt amongst people.
1. You may find that your sexual interest has decreased
While sexual desire changes over time, you may find yourself avoiding sex if you don't feel attracted to your partner.
2. Your desire for emotional intimacy may be impacted
Connecting emotionally doesn't feel as interesting anymore. This may be due to wanting to keep yourself safe, or fear that you might hurt your partner's feelings.
3. You may become irritated or turned off when your partner displays behaviors that didn't bother you in the past
Previous behaviors that your partner did didn't use to bother you, but all of a sudden, you feel annoyed or irritated by their behaviors.
4. You may find yourself feeling disinterested in participating in activities, like going on dates or spending quality time together
Your desire to spend time together dissipates. You might find yourself participating in solo activities, or spending more time outside of the home.
A common theme you might notice here is that the partner who has lost attraction may disconnect themselves from the relationship. This can be due to many factors, but we've found it's common for people to feel guilty about their loss of interest, and so they tend to avoid the discomfort of being with their partner.
How to tell if your partner is not sexually attracted to you
If you're worried your partner has lost attraction to you, you may have experienced one or more of the following signs. It's important to recognize that these may not be telltale signs that they've lost interest, and it's recommended that you speak with them directly if you're concerned about their physical and/or emotional connection with you.
They avoid sex
While there are several reasons someone might avoid sex, it's possible one of those reasons is due to attraction loss. If you're concerned about this part of your relationship, we encourage you bring it up to your partner or spouse so you can have a conversation about what might have changed.
They are not emotionally attuned to your needs
Emotional connection is a critical part of any healthy relationship, and the loss of emotional intimacy can feel difficult. If your partner or spouse feels detached, or uninterested in your needs, then it may be due to attraction loss.
They seem irritable or have a "short fuse"
When someone feels distressed, they may express emotions like irritability, frustration, or annoyance. This can typically be seen when small hiccups occur in the day to day, and your partner has a large reaction to the problem that doesn't align with the problem itself.
Why am I not turned on by my partner?
There are several reasons why this has happened, and it's important to reflect on why you believe this is happening to you.
Aging
Sometimes, we aren't prepared for the aging process. We see our partners as someone completely different physically from when you met. This also includes deterioration in cognitive capacity or serious illness or disease.
Mental health issues
Your partner may have developed a mental health issue, like depression or anxiety. While this is distressing for your to witness and you want the best for them, seeing your partner struggle with their mental health may have an impact on your desire to be intimate with them.
Changes to the body
While weight gain or physical changes are a normal part of life, you may be struggling with your partner's physical appearance. This can happen after major life events, like having children, genetics, or not prioritizing their physical wellbeing.
What to do if you’re struggling with sexual attraction in your relationship
If you're no longer sexually attracted to your partner, there is hope to bringing back sexual intimacy and connection. Here are several tips to try if you're struggling:
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Do you have an understanding of why you've lost interest in your partner? What has changed for you? When did you first notice this happening? Getting clear on how and why this occurred is the first step.
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Take the lead by inviting your partner to a conversation about how you're feeling. It's important to be clear, nonjudgmental, and gentle in this conversation. You can start by saying, "I've been experiencing something that's impacting my connection with you, and I'd like to talk about it." It's important to be clear in your communication, practice active listening when your partner has any emotional reactions they may have, and focus on keeping calm.
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If you feel unable to approach your partner out of fear of hurting them, then working with a relationship therapist or a sex therapist can really help. Sex and relationship therapists are specifically trained to work with attraction loss, and can help bring back the spark that's been missing in your relationship.
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Can you remember what you used to find attractive about your partner? Thinking about the passion, bond, and connection you once shared can help you realize your desire for them again. It's important to remember that you once deeply loved and were attracted to this person, and thinking about those things can really help you bring back a level of awareness to the relationship. This is a great exercise to practice on your own as you navigate this issue.
Bringing back attraction is possible
While loss of attraction is a common experience within relationships, it's not impossible to improve upon. Being proactive about this problem within your relationship or marriage is an important step towards maintaining the health of the relationship.
We know it's possible to bring attraction back because we've helped countless clients overcome this concern. If you are feeling a dip in your attraction towards your partner, reach out to our practice to get connected with one of our expertly trained relationship and sex therapists. Talking to someone is a great first step to getting your relationship back on track.