How to Trust After Betrayal: 7 Tips from a Couples Therapist
You've just discovered that your partner has betrayed your trust and it feels like a complete shock to your system. Whether you suspected something was wrong, or you were taken by surprise, learning of a betrayal can be completely devastating. It's important to recognize that you may be experiencing several feelings, from anger to embarrassment, and complete devastation. Learning of a betrayal is an incredibly complex issue, but there are solutions and guidance to help you process it.
The following will offer practical advice on rebuilding trust after betrayal. We'll cover key points that are essential to healing after betrayal trauma, including:
Understanding the different types of betrayal
A practical guide to rebuilding trust
Overcoming common challenges when rebuilding trust
When to consider ending the relationship
Understanding betrayal
While most people might think of partner betrayal as cheating, like physically having relationships outside of the relationship, there are actually several types of romantic partner betrayals that can occur.
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Physical contact outside of the relationship can vary. Whether it's kissing and holding hands, to intercourse, finding out that your spouse or partner cheated is a devastating blow.
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Emotional cheating is when someone develops a deep, emotional relationship outside of the marriage. This can look like having long conversations via text, leaning on a co-worker who you develop feelings for, or re-connecting with an ex and rekindling your connection.
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Financial infidelity occurs when one partner hides major financial decisions or burdens from their partner. This can include gambling life savings away; making major purchases without consulting their spouse; hiding assets; or lying about debt.
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This kind of betrayal occurs when a full blown relationship has developed outside of the marriage. The combination of physical and emotional infidelity is one of the most difficult betrayals to recover from because an entire relationship has developed between the betrayal partner and another person.
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While this may be a more recent kind of betrayal, our practice has seen an increase in chatroom relationships, using dating apps, and live sex relationships.
As you can imagine, the impact of betrayal on your relationship can bring up intense emotions. From causing significant mental health issues, to expensive and messy divorce proceedings, infidelity and betrayal can completely turn your lives upside down.
Because of the impact and hard work it takes to regain trust after betrayal, we recommend being clear from the beginning of the relationship what constitutes cheating. This includes having open conversations about finances, and making sure you are always on the same page about what would and wouldn't cross a line in your relationship.
A practical guide to rebuilding trust
There are practical and effective measures to take once a betrayal has been discovered. And because we are invested in helping you rebuild trust so that you can have a healthy relationship, we're outlining tips for both the betrayed person and the betrayal partner below.
Tips for the betrayed partner
First off, it's important to recognize that your partner's actions are not your fault. And while learning of a betrayal can make you nervous about the relationship's future, this is a critical moment for you to take extra care of yourself. Below are a list of strategies that you can adopt to help with your personal well being, as well as the emotional distress you may be feeling.
1. Set Boundaries with yourself and your partner
Once you've learned about the betrayal, you may find yourself desperately seeking information. This makes so mush sense given what you've just discovered. Of course you want to have all the information you can find. But it's important to ask yourself what information you need to have right away, and what can wait as you work on your own mental wellness. This includes setting boundaries with your partner around what information you do and do not want. This is also the time to be clear with your partner what you will and will not tolerate with continued cheating.
2. Practice excellent self care
It's critical that you take good care of yourself in this situation. You will experience a rollercoaster of emotions, and the best thing you can do for your personal healing process is to center your physical and mental health. This is the time to reach out to your trusted friends or family members for emotional support, make an appointment with a licensed therapist, or adopt other practices like journaling or meditation. Moving your body can be incredibly healing, and can help you release any physical symptoms you may be feeling.
3. Communicate clearly
Now is the time to express your needs for moving forward. Do you need to see a relationship therapist? Or maybe you need to spend quality time with them. Do you need them to openly and clearly communicate with you? Whatever it is that you need to start rebuilding trust after betrayal, it's okay to ask for these things from your partner.
I will note that attending therapy with a licensed couples therapist is an excellent way to set boundaries for the recovery period of the betrayal. A couples therapist can help you establish expectations and way forward.
Tips for the partner who caused the betrayal
How you respond to your betrayal is critical. It's important to understand that while your behaviors may have caused a traumatic experience within the relationship, you still deserve self-compassion, even if that feels hard right now. Here are a few tips you can try to help repair after the betrayal.
4. Taking responsibility
It's critical for the future of your relationship that you take full responsibility for your actions and show genuine remorse. This means being honest, and not doing something called "trickle truth," which means giving bits of truth at a time because you're being asked probing questions or are afraid to give all the information. When your partner becomes upset, which may happen often right at the discovery of the betrayal, it's important to validate their feelings, and take consistent responsibility for your actions.
5. Practice self-compassion
You may be feeling immense guilt, anger towards yourself, and questioning your self worth. This is a common experience to have, but complex emotions do not define who you are to the core. It's important to practice self compassion in these moments so you can show up wholeheartedly to the relationship and to the rebuilding process. Your emotional health is also important while you rebuild trust after betrayal, and practicing self compassion can be a great way to center your mental health as well.
6. Talk to a therapist
Seeking an individual therapist who specializes in infidelity and who can help you understand how and why this betrayal happened, is an important step. Gaining self awareness around your actions while having support from someone who will be consistently checking in with you will be a critical step to your own healing.
7. Do not lie about anything
This is an important step. It is now your responsibility to show your partner that you are trustworthy. Any lies, even tiny ones (like saying you took out the trash when you actually didn't) can completely disrupt the healing process. If you truly want to re establish trust, then you need to practice honesty daily.
Overcoming common challenges when rebuilding trust after betrayal
Expect the healing process to be shaky at times. It's not uncommon to experience challenges throughout the recovery process, so here are a few tips to help you stay centered.
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You both experienced something traumatic, and it's important to consider the other person's feelings at all times.
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There will be times where you believe you aren't going to make it, or that this isn't worth rebuilding. Communicate about these fears so that you can have honest and connected conversations when they arise (and they WILL arise)
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Disrespect towards each other will not help you. Regaining trust requires mutual respect if you intend to work towards the future of this relationship.
When to consider ending the relationship
There may be a time where you decide that pursuing repair is not worth it. Everyone has their limits and what they're willing to tolerate, making this a deeply personal decision. Here are a few things to consider if you're unsure if you want to stay in the relationship.
Have they shown genuine remorse? Or do they invalidate your feelings or blame you for their actions?
Are they willing to or have they stopped their affair? If they are unwilling to end their relationship, or include you in financial recovery (if this was financial infidelity), then this might be a sign to end things before they worsen.
Are they able and willing to show up for the recovery process? If you find that they seem unmotivated or unwilling to participate in therapy to help rebuild trust, then this may be a dealbreaker for you.
Final thoughts on building trust after betrayal
Healing from betrayal trauma can be a difficult; however, 70% of couples who attend couples therapy to help rebuild their relationship have positive outcomes. It's important to understand that while you will experience a variety of emotions during the rebuilding process, you have the opportunity to build a deeper, more connected relationship in the process.
If you have experienced a betryal in your relationship and you're seeking help, our office provides specialized care for infidelity of all forms. Click here to request an appointment and how we can help you.