4 Signs it’s Time to Take a Break From Dating
Key Takeaways:
Taking a break from dating can help you reset emotionally and refocus on personal growth before reentering the dating scene.
A break (whether from a specific relationship or dating in general) can provide space to heal past wounds and clarify your relationship goals.
Therapy can offer valuable support during this time, helping you navigate your feelings, build self-awareness, and develop healthier relationship patterns moving forward.
After going on over 30 dead-end dates in a matter of a few months, our client knew it was time to take a break from dating. She was exhausted, fed up, and feeling emotionally drained from the entire dating process. She truly believed she would never meet someone special, and this was starting to lead to dating burnout, low self-esteem, and hopelessness.
Taking a break from dating can be one of the best things you do for yourself if you're single and navigating modern dating. It's important that you enjoy dating, but sometimes, you need to press pause in order to reevaluate what kind of dating life actually works for you.
When to take a break from dating
In my experience, there are clear signs that you need to take an intentional break from dating. Here's how you know it's time to step back from actively dating and delete those apps.
1. Dating Burnout
What it looks like: You find yourself feeling exhausted by dating apps, but yet, you can't stop swiping. You schedule dates, but then cancel them last minute. All you do is message people on the apps, but you have no intention (or energy) to meet them. And when you do find yourself on an actual date, you feel like you're just going through the motions of the first date "interview" and are having zero fun. These are all signs of dating burnout, and are signs that it's time to rest.
Why it matters: Living in dating burnout without a recovery plan can lead to you choosing partners who are not a good fit for you. It can also cause you to completely resent the dating process, which will not help you actively and intentionally find a quality partner. Dating burnout is the nail in the coffin when it comes to modern dating, and having a burnout proof dating strategy is the ideal solution.
2. Negative Dating Patterns
What it looks like: You keep dating the same type, and always feel disappointed and angry with yourself when things inevitably end. Or maybe you experience really big anxiety swings when you meet someone new and you're unsure how they feel about you. Or maybe you tend to pull away when things get too serious because you're scared of being hurt.
Why it matters: Negative dating patterns are serious barriers to finding true love, and they may be blocking you. When we find ourselves in repetitive patterns, it typically means we have unsolved or misunderstood internal struggles about ourselves. Getting clear on why you get into the same repetitive patterns, AND learning how to break them, is crucial before re-entering the dating pool.
3. Impact on Your Mental Health
What it looks like: If you're feeling anxious, depressed, self-conscious, and like you are not worthy of finding a partner, then your mental health has been impacted by dating. Sometimes this manifests in dating people who are absolutely not a good fit for us, which can be confusing and hurtful when things end (i.e. even they didn't want me.)
Why it matters: If your mental health is struggling, then you will attract the wrong people. You do NOT want that for several reasons.
4. Only Dating Because You're Lonely
What it looks like: Dating someone to fill a void is not helpful. I've seen many clients do this because they just want to feel loved and chosen, and ultimately, they get hurt because the people they were choosing were in no way a good fit. I call this the, "well they like me so I guess I like them," syndrome.
Why it matters: Dating to feel chosen or important can backfire. If you're giving your time to people who are not a good relationship fit for you, then that relationship will ultimately end, wasting potentially years of your life, OR you could be stuck in soemting that makes you deeply unhappy.
Benefits of taking a break from dating
While taking a break from dating might feel counterintuitive (why would I stop dating if I'm looking for a partner?!), it's actually the healthier choice to make so you can navigate dating with more ease and sustainability. I know you're trying to find your person, so here are some benefits of why taking a break can actually help you find them faster:
Spending time with yourself will help you get clear on what you're looking for longterm.
You will recover from dating burnout, which will decrease your apathy and increase your motivation to date again.
You will re-enter the dating pool with more positivity and hope, because you've done the necessary self discovery work.
By removing yourself from the dating pool, you'll give your nervous system the reset it needs.
You will have given adequate time to reflect on what wasn't working for you in your dating life, and intentionally make better choices for yourself moving forward.
Ultimately, taking a break from dating is up to you. But, from my experience as a relationship therapist (and navigating the dating scene myself) a dating reset is often times necessary to fully recover so you can find that long term relationship you've been searching for (and actually enjoy dating again!)
Delete all your apps
This is obvious. But seriously, delete them all. I'd recommend deactivating your accounts so you also stop receiving those pesky email notifications.
Improve your quality of life
Now that you aren't dating, this should open up time and mental energy to refocus your attention back on YOU.
Make a list of 2-3 new things you want to try, and make a commitment to yourself to try them out.
Reach out to friends, family, and/or your community and re-center important relationships again.
Set some achievable goals for yourself so you can prioritize your emotional health and gain clarity on what's important to you moving forward.
The big message: expand your quality of life through trying new things, meeting new people, and focusing on personal growth.
Reflect on what wasn't working
When you're ready, start to journal about what wasn't working for you when you were dating. This can be anything from the type of people you kept seeing, the apps you were using, and how much time you spent dating.
Once you have your list, set clear boundaries with yourself so you don't repeat any old patterns that weren't serving you when you were dating and burned out. For example:
I will only go on one date per week.
I will only spend 20 minutes a day on my apps.
I will clearly communicate about my relationship wants and needs.
I will not continue to date people who not clear about what they're looking for.
I will avoid, at all costs, a situationship!
Get clear on who you're looking for
Sometimes, we get burned out from dating because we aren't dating with clarity (we're literally dating everyone who comes our way.) This is a recipe for burnout, and will make you hate dating so much more.
Take some time to reflect on your core values and write them down. These should be your absolute dealbreakers when it comes to dating. Think lifestyle, qualities, beliefs, etc.
For example, if you value social justice and this it's a critically important part of your life that you want your partner to be aligned on, then don't date people who could care less about social justice issues. See what I'm getting at here?
After you've taken these steps, it's time to start reflecting on if you're ready to start dating again. There's no right or wrong way to do this, but it's important that you really take your time and are honest with yourself about whether you're ready to step back into dating or not.
How therapy can help during a break
If you find yourself in repetitive dating patterns, feeling stuck, anxious, or like you will never find your person, therapy might be a great option for you. Therapy can help you figure out what a healthy relationship looks like for you, what kind of dating life you want to lead, and help you uncover any negative patterns or old wounds that might be holding you back from leading a healthy and fun dating life.
While therapy can be helpful, it's important to know what kind of therapist to look for when it comes to modern dating issues. Therapists who are trained relationally, meaning they specialize in working with romantic relationships, are a great place to start. They will have the insight to help you gain a clear understanding of what barriers may be in your way of finding a healthy partner, but also will be able to point out red flags or things to consider as you date multiple people. Finding a therapist who has personally dealt with modern dating (like myself!) is also useful, as we tend to have real world experience with what you may be going through.
Final thoughts
Modern dating isn't harder, it's just different. It requires that you have really good dating self care, and that you are clear on what you want from a partner so you don't waste your time dating the wrong people.
Choosing who we end up with is the most important decision we will make in our lifetime, and having the support from a trusted clinician who can help guide you can be incredibly useful. Our team of relationship and sex therapists are trained to help you nagivate modern dating, so please feel free to reach out if you're ready to dive deep into your dating life and uncover what's been getting in your way of finding someone.