What is Your Apology Language?
You may have heard about the Love Languages before, but have you heard about Apology Languages? The author of The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman, has identified 5 Apology Languages that help individuals understand which style of apologies feel the most meaningful to them.
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The process of adequately repairing (which usually includes a solid apology) after conflict is vital to feel connected and fulfilled in our relationships. The more clarity we have about our own apology style and our partner’s apology style, the more effective our communication and ability to repair after conflict will be.
Have you ever had the experience of feeling like you were giving a heartfelt apology to someone, only to hear that it didn’t come across that way to them? Or perhaps you’ve been on the receiving end of an apology and felt unaffected by their expression of remorse. In both of those circumstances, it’s likely that the style of apology wasn’t landing with the recipient simply because it wasn’t delivered in the apology style that feels meaningful to them. Curious to see which style suits you best? You can take the Apology Languages Quiz and read below about the 5 styles. As you read about the 5 languages, think about which apology language aligns with the types of apologies you often extend to others and which apology language aligns with the types of apologies you appreciate receiving from others.
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Expressing Regret
Example: “I can see my actions caused you pain, and I feel terrible about what I did.
You reflect on the pain that has been caused and include an expression of regret for this pain. It’s about admitting that you hurt someone and that you regret that they had to experience that feeling.
Accept Responsibility
Example: “I know my actions were unacceptable. That’s totally on me.”
Direct and clear-cut. You are expressing that you were wrong, and you are owning your behavior. This is often a tough apology to give because it involves putting our ego to the side and simply admitting that we were in the wrong.
Planned Change
Example: “If we find ourselves in a similar situation in the future, I will do XYZ differently.”
You are making a promise to do better in the future and taking steps to make specific changes in your behavior. You are also verbalizing your desire to avoid this type of situation in the future.
Make Restitution
Example: “I’m so sorry that I did this. Here is what I’m going to do to make it right.”
You are focusing on the element of justice and stating that you will “make it up” to the hurt person. You are committed to making amends and have a desire to get this relationship back on track.
Request Forgiveness
Example: “I recognize that it might take some time, but I deeply hope that you can forgive me.”
You are directly asking the person for their forgiveness and putting the future of the relationship in the hands of the person who has been hurt. There is a difference between requesting and demanding forgiveness - requesting means you are hopeful that they will choose to forgive but you understand if that is not possible.
Once you have an idea of which apology style you gravitate towards, I encourage you to share this insight with your partner(s) to share which language makes you feel most validated and cared for. This is also an opportunity to reflect on the style of apologies you find yourself giving - are they a reflection of your apology language, or are they a reflection of what you know your partner appreciates in an apology? The next time you find yourself wanting to make a repair with your partner(s), take a moment to pause and see how you could approach the apology from the style that resonates the most with them.